


Home.

by Angelless



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-13
Packaged: 2018-01-16 05:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1333918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelless/pseuds/Angelless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Work in progress--Dean and Cas move from Lawrence, Kansas to Berkeley, California and run into more problems than they can handle as a couple. They deal with their issues through a mess and try to muddle through as they start a new life. But thing's take a turn for the worse when they take a relapse into old habits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Things Ash and Dust

**Author's Note:**

> The following situations and characters are a work of fiction. Any similarities between real or actual events or people is purely coincidental and are in no way intended to offend or appropriate the subjects they have adapted to these particular circumstances.  
> This is a free-style writing, as in I do not have a plot for this story. Which means at the moment, it has no end and could go on for a few more chapters. The linear timeline is mixed up, and written to match certain feelings. This also means that chapters can vary on word length.  
> Readers may encounter some ideologically sensitive material such as homophobia, depression, drug use, alcoholism, suicidal ideation/attempts, violence, and terminal illness and (possible) death.

_And the blood will dry_

_underneath my nails_

_And the wind will rise up_

_To fill my sails_

_So you can doubt_

_And you can hate_

_But I know no matter what it takes_

_I'm coming home._

 

Cas ran his fingers through his hair and flipped on the lights. The place was a wreck. Just like they left it after an unimportant scar painted against his heart that the fight had impacted. He blew air through his teeth and scratched at his head.

Rain pounded against the windows, _what a terrible time for a downpour..._ Cas would normally believe that the rain signified a passing of a persons life, but that didn't cross his mind as he began to clean up the mess left behind by the fighting. However it didn't take long for him to give up on the mess.

It wasn't odd for him and his significant other to fight; actually, it was becoming more frequent of them to do so. Cas was beginning to wonder if they finally got tired of each other.... _No._ He hadn't yet. He couldn't have, _no..._ He ran his fingers through his black hair once more. They were more violent with each other this go round. He lifted and placed a cigarette between his lips and lit it.

The door clicked, making him jump and turn towards the man he questions.

"If you're going to smoke in here, open a window at least." He said walking past the male with the lit cigarette dangling out of his mouth.

Cas' throat felt dry and scratchy. He honestly didn't want to answer him.

His green eyes darted to Cas, piercing right through him. "Not gonna talk?" He muttered, trailing to the window.

Cas took the stick from his mouth and sighed. "How are we supposed to keep ourselves under cover if we can't even keep quiet?" Cas pressed the cigarette to his lips, taking a deep drag from it.

"I'm not the one who threw the first cup." His green eyes didn't pick up from their gaze out the fourth floor window.

"You're blaming me?" He blurted out defensively.

"Well it wasn't my hand that threw it." This time, he turned around, locking their eyes together.

Cas took a drag from the cigarette, hoping the nicotine would calm him. If anything, he tried to rely completely on the nicotine to calm his nerves anymore. "Dean," he breathed out. "All I'm saying is we can't keep doing this..."

"Yeah." Dean sat on the wet window seal, folding his hands over another and propping his head up. "I know."

Cas stole the cigarette from his lips again. "What are we supposed to do? What if someone finds out?"

Dean stared blankly at him, slightly shrugging as if he were halfway paying attention to him.

"Dean.... We can't keep fighting like this." Cas sucked in a deep breath. He noticed Dean's halfway stare and took it as him not caring. He rolled his eyes and sucked in a deep, long take from the cigarette, squeezing its insides out on the carpet. He then had Dean's attention.

"What the hell, Cas?"

"So you care now?" Cas cocked off.

Dean closed his eyes, figuring he was only edging for another fight.

"You're cleaning this up, this time."

"Don't, again... please, Cas..." He pinched the bridge of his nose, rubbing his eyes. "Don't you think that's enough for one night?" Dean looked up at Cas and stood up.

His gaze showed Cas how tired he was. Cas bit his tongue, wanting to take back everything he just said and did. Dean hardly got aggressive with Cas. It was only because Cas had started it, getting aggressive first. The fight wasn't even necessary, neither of them remembered what it was about.

  
  


* * *

 

 

_Still faraway_

_From where I belong_

_But Its always darkest before the dawn_

_So you can doubt_

_And you can hate_

_So I know no matter what it takes_

_I'm coming home_

_Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday._

  
  


Cleaning up wasn't that hard, but it took them a good two hours of silence for the job to be done. Once it was done, there was only more silence.

Dean found his way into the kitchen, hungry since neither of them prepared dinner. He looked in a cabinet, then in the fridge. Suddenly hunger left him. He let out a sigh, standing up straight and mindlessly going into his and Cas' room. He propped himself up against the door frame and watched Cas on the bed.

Cas felt Dean's eyes on his back. He knew they were going to have to talk sooner or later. Cas smoothed out the bedsheets and sat down, picking up another cigarette. "What?" He finally said before lighting it.

"Are we not going to talk about it?" Dean cleared his throat after speaking softly.

"What is there to talk about?" He took the cancerous stick out of his mouth and blew out the vapor, pointing it at Dean. "Here, I don't need this."

Dean unfolded his arms letting out a soft grunt as he pushed himself off the wall to take the cigarette. "There's plenty to talk about..."

"No, not really." Cas watched Dean inhale the toxic smoke. He breathed softly. Cas always thought the way Dean smoked a cigarette was hot. The grip between his lips was always something he watched, however this time was different. Cas intentionally looked away from Dean.

"How is there nothing to talk about? We threw things, we were aggressive. And for what?" Dean shrugged, motioning his hands as he spoke. He took the cigarette from his lips after breathing it in. "And for what, Cas?"

Cas' dead stare didn't pick up from the floor. He shrugged, not saying anything at that.

They were both terribly confused, and tired. All they both wanted was not to fight anymore, or something. But from seeing that Cas wasn't going to talk, Dean sighed and turned back towards the door. "Are you hungry? You've at least got to tell me that much."

At the mention of food, Cas picked his head up, watching Dean leave. "No, I'm not." He uttered the three worded sentence and coughed into his palm. "I'm just going to bed, okay?"

"Yeah," Dean replied, rather unenthusiastic at the others mention of sleep. It was something Dean got less and less of anymore. "I'm," he paused. "I'm going out for the night." It wasn't something he did normally, or at least he never told Cas he was going out when he couldn't sleep.

However, this time it was different. Maybe it was just difficult being in the same room as the other, he wasn't going to try and lay beside him. But in actuality, that's all they wanted from each other; to lay beside each other and hold each other. Just to feel safe and secure and say that they loved each other.

Cas sighed and didn't say anything again. He was pushing himself to say something, ' _say something, say something_ ' he bit his tongue. ' _Please don't go, I love you_ ' Is what he wanted to throw out. Maybe Dean would turn around, not go out on the town by himself and get drunk. Maybe he'd stay, say I love you back and they'd make love. Sweet, sweet love; much like they used to. But he held back, kept quiet and bit his tongue. In the least he wanted to shout out a ' _be careful_!' or ' _please stay safe._ ' But he just watched Dean disappear from sight, and flinched when the door slammed shut.

Once he heard that Dean was gone, Cas let out a loud sigh, squeezing his eyes shut. He figured Dean wouldn't be back till morning, if even then.


	2. The Bar Song

 Dean felt it hard to leave Cas on the bed like that. Especially after something like that... He wasn't sure if he was going back that night. And before he left, something raged inside of him. He wanted Cas to grab his hand, yell at him to stop. But neither of them reached out to each other.

Instead, Dean just kept walking and didn't turn back. Once outside the door, he pressed his back against the door, tears rolled down his cheeks. It was the first time he had actually broke in months. _This can't be happening, why of all things and now did they have to do this?_ It was almost their two year anniversary for living together. It was their fifth year as a couple.

To get off the door, he had to push himself off the door.

His night on the town would involve going to a club downtown. Dean easily regretted going to it. Its music was loud, young women would always try and dance with him, if not try to get in his pants. The smell of alcohol and sweat was sickening as well; not really something he enjoyed to smell anyway.

Dean sat at the bar, he ordered a few shots of whiskey and downed them as they came. He was watching the passing byres, eying a few girls as they walked past.

Out of the crowd, and the music, and the excess noise Dean heard his name. "Dean Winchester!" The woman’s voice was high-pitched and bleary.

He turned towards the voice. A dark headed women, with dark chocolate eyes. Dean recognized her right away. "Lisa?" He beckoned. A small smile flashed onto his face. "Hey, how are you doing?"

She smiled and nodded, sitting next to him. "Oh I'm good, and you?"

"Ah..." _Quick, lie._ "Ah, I'm good, too. What'chya been up to? How's Ben doing?"

Lisa smiled and glanced down, "that's good. And Ben's with his grandma." She licked her lower lips watching Dean.

Dean took a sip from the shot glass. "Figures that's why you're here."

Lisa chuckled. "God, its been ages."

"What's it been? Since high school?"

Lisa groaned with a laugh. "Don't remind me of how old I am!"

Dean laughed a little. "Here let me buy you a round." Dean looked at the bartender and signaled with his hand for two more rounds before Lisa could object.

She smiled, a fake smile stinging Dean's heart. "Thank you, its sweet of you."

Dean nodded, not really knowing how buying her a shot of whiskey was exactly 'sweet'. The bartender slid the glasses against bar, Dean catching them both. "I guess that's what that was." Dean smiled weekly staring at the golden-brown liquor, shooting it down quickly. "Hows life been treating you?" Dean turned his eyes towards the brunette.

Lisa took a sip of the liquor before nodding. "Good, I guess. I'm not on the streets because I've got a pretty well job. Ben and I both are healthy."

Dean smiled, "no male figure yet?"

Lisa shook her head. "No, and Ben wants to know his real father." She frowned momentarily before her fake smile came back into play. Dean figures its the same smile she uses to pick up men. "I'm not sure what to tell him really." She glanced to the glass, dancing a finger across the top.

Dean shrugged his shoulders slightly, "you even remember who his father was?" He watched her facial expressions change. She hesitated and shook her head. Dean knew she was lying, but didn't call her out.

"No, it's been 10 years ago, Dean." She avoided his eye contact.

Dean nodded thinking about their first time, 10 years ago. They both knew Ben was his, and Dean would claim him if Lisa would let him. Dean raised his hand, for another round. "Yeah, that's been a while..." He sighed receiving what he asked for.

She bit her tongue, finding the subject awkward as Dean downed another shot. "So, uh, what about you? Have you been busy? Any kids?" She gained her fake smile back. Dean had grown to hate the smile a while back, being back around it only made him hate it more.

"I guess I've been pretty busy. My job keeps me on my toes." Dean paused, he didn't want to tell her, of all people, about Cas. "I've got to work to pay for my brothers college." He lied through his teeth.

"Oh, that's tough." She muttered, believing the lie. "What's he studying?"

Dean had to think for a moment. Its been two years since he spoke to his brother, Sam. "Law, he's wanting to become a lawyer." Maybe Sam was still in Law school.

"That's thrilling." Lisa gave a lighthearted chuckle and drank the last bit of her shot. "Is he going to pay you back once he starts working?"

Dean shrugged, "he can if he wants too. That's what I told him." His lie was becoming more of a story. Hopefully he would remember it if it ever came back up.

"Ah, that's awfully sweet of you. If it were my sister, she'd make me pay back." Lisa laughed, Dean gave a soft chuckle.

"Yeah, I guess Sam's just lucky." Dean didn't meet her gaze.

She was quiet for a moment, then struck up a topic Dean didn't answer. "So, you got anyone in your life?"

Dean suddenly felt nervous. "You mean besides Sammy?"

She laughed, "yes, besides Sam. Like, do you have a girlfriend or a wife? Any kids?"

Dean averted his eyes from hers and they danced between the bottles on the bar stand. "No," it wasn't a lie; not entirely. He didn't have a girlfriend, or kids, technically. "No kids, no girlfriend or wife."

"Ah, so you're still fooling around?" She grinned. If she meant, fooling around with his boyfriend, that would have made more sense.

Dean met her dark chocolate eyes. "Yeah, I guess. I haven't been out much. It was my week off." He cleared his throat. It was beginning to get hard to tell lies.

"That's lucky." She chuckled. "So, uh, since you don't have work tomorrow, and neither do I," she cleared her throat.

Dean watched her. "How about we have another round, and rent a cheap hotel for old times sake?"

Lisa smiled hugely with a slight laugh. "You finished my sentence."

Dean smiled just as fake as she did, and threw up his hands for another round. "I'll buy the room too."

"Oh, I couldn't let you. You already have so much on your plate!" She insisted, and Dean thought about it for a second. He'd rather not have a charge on his credit card. "You buy the drinks, I'll pay for the room."

Dean sighed, nodding. "If you say so." He chuckled. The bartender filled their glasses again. Dean slid down a hundred dollar bill and shot the last round before getting up. Lisa watched him keenly with a grin and stood up as well.

They exited the bar quickly, laughing as they did because of a small prank they played on the bouncer. Not once did either of them think of the time on their escapade out in the town.

While they ran around the town, tipsy and happier than his mood earlier, Dean and Lisa ran around the streets and about four in the morning they went to a close by motel. There, they crashed in the bed. Lisa was tired, Dean was too; but he didn't show it at all.

Lisa crawled onto the bed and let out a loud groan. "Dean! You could have at least picked one with better beds." She complained.

"Hey, that was your idea." Dean reminded her, crawling to meet her on the bed. "Its more comfortable than other beds."

The women smiled at him, then looked at the digital clock. "Its 4:30 already?" She frowned, watching Dean again. "Do you have anymore of those pills?" She asked.

Dean rolled his eyes, crawling on top of her, "I do, you want some more?" She nodded when he answered her question. Dean gently nipped her lips before slipping his hand into his pocket, four blue pills is what he brought out. "These?" He grinned.

Lisa smiled and nodded, kissing him deeper. "Those."

"Here, open your mouth." He demanded with a smile printed on his lips. She stuck out her tongue, Dean placed two of the pills on her tongue. He chewed the other two, then kissed her.

Their sweet, soft kisses formed into more, hot and passionate ones. At one point, Dean had began to think about Cas. He thought about the way they kiss, and the way they have sex. He missed it, and forced himself to not think about it while being with Lisa. It was hard to keep his thoughts from traveling back to Cas and his beautiful blue eyes... Moaning out his name....

"Lisa," Dean paused from the kissing.

"Yeah..?" She panted rather confused. "What's the problem?"

Dean hesitated for a brief second before locking his lips with hers again. "I don't have any condoms."

Lisa smiled and chuckled behind their next rough kiss. "If I didn't know you any better, I'd believe you. Besides, that never stopped you before."

Dean was hoping she would have believed him. This didn't feel right anymore, the more and more he thought about Cas; the more guilt that built up inside his chest.

Dean remained still as the girl tried to get him to focus on her. "Hey..." She cooed smoothly with her voice. "What's wrong?" She frowned halting on her actions.

His eyes didn't shift in her direction. "Nothing..." Fibbing was becoming more of a habit lately, it became easier to think up lies. "Nothing's wrong," he bit his lower lip.

Lisa frowned and shook her head, running her hand up Dean's perfect chest. This was something she didn't believe. "You're tense, don't lie to me." She massaged his shoulders gently.

Dean's eyes met hers and he shook his head with a more soft smile. It somehow was painful throw out a fake smile. "I just can't do this right now..." He uttered finally. He watched Lisa dart her eyes.

"I understand..." She bit her lower lip, watching Dean's face as he leaned in for a small kiss.

"I just can't do this," he felt as if a hole opened up inside him and was sucking him clean of his will to be happy. "Not right now at least." His voice cracked momentarily. Dean figured it was the guilt trying to eat him alive.

The brunette nodded her head, kissing the top of his head. She pulled him into her arms, Dean complying. "Its okay... Whatever happened... Will be okay.." She soothed as if she completely understood his situation. For a moment, Dean thought he had told her earlier.

Though, it wasn't long until Dean shifted and sat up away from Lisa. He let out a quiet sigh and smiled at her. She smiled back just as weakly as he gave her. "I'm sorry, Lis..." He apologized. "I've gotta go..." Dean got up from the bed and ruffled his hair.

She watched him, then watched the place where he was rise slowly. Lisa nodded silently. Dean glanced at her, her eyes catching with his. "If you have to..." She muttered, slowly rising from the bed. "Sorry this wasn't as useful as it should have been."

"No, I'm sorry I can't." He frowned, forcing his empty gaze to go to the wall.

"Its not your fault." She did that smile again. Except, it was different and more hurt. Dean couldn't bare it.

"It is," he watched her body move close to his again. "Its mine, and—" he bit his tongue as she kissed his lips softly.

"Its okay, Dean." She pressed her forehead against his. "You've gotta go..." She pushed.

Dean nodded, "yeah... I've gotta go... Check on someone."

"Who?" Her eyebrows knitted.

Dean shook his head. That was stupid. "Oh, an old friend... We, uh, were supposed to have breakfast together." _Lie. No reason she stopped dating you._

"Oh..." She wrapped her arms around him. "Can I see you again?"

Something in him, couldn't say no to Lisa. Only God knows what that part of him is. "Yeah," he watched a smile break out onto her face.

"How about, Thursday night, eight at the same bar?"

"That's tomorrow night." Dean frowned. What was he suppose to tell Cas?

Lisa frowned, "what? You got another date tomorrow night?"

"No," he replied quickly shaking his thoughts. "I can do it." His smile was painted, while her's came back as the real thing.

She pecked him quickly. "You'd better go." She smiled letting go of him. Dean returned the peck and nodded.

"Yeah, I've gotta change and shower." He didn't lie about that. He didn't want to smell like the perfume Lisa sprayed earlier in the evening when going home to his boyfriend, which of whom, is probably ill already from the fight and Dean leaving.

Dean left the motel, not waiting on another goodbye from Lisa.


	3. Panic! At Four in the Morning

The slam of the door seemed to have hurt Cas. It felt like he had slammed his whole body in the door. He laid in bed for a good few minutes before feeling a panic arise in him. Cas quickly sprung off the bed to see if he could catch Dean. "Dean....?" He called out, hearing nothing. Cas felt his heart bottom into his stomach. "Dean?" He called out again as if he'd get a different result. He didn't and crumpled to the ground. Why did Dean leave again? Why didn't Cas stop Dean?

Cas brought his hand to his face, no tears to account for. Cas couldn't cry, nor could he move, or think. He remained that way for a good minute before regaining his own strength and tears finally stung his eyes. He screamed. Cas felt nothing but hatred and confusion. Hatred against himself and confused about everything else.

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he stood up. Cas wiped them from his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself down. It didn't work too well, he let another cry out. He wiped his eyes, his tears not ceasing.

He saw that they weren't going to stop, as well as Dean not going to come back, Cas sat down on the couch. He grabbed some pill bottles from the drawers, Dean's favorite stash. Cas opened the three he had in his hands, he wasn't exactly sure of how many were in each bottle. All he knew was one was oxys and the other one was adderol. He had no idea what the third one was. Cas spilled the three bottles into his hand, quickly swallowing all of them. He choked on them for a moment while he rushed into the kitchen, turning the water on and catching the water in his mouth. Cas turned the water off, quickly falling in the floor. Even more tears rolling off his cheeks.

Cas felt completely useless, even more so now that he just took three bottles of pills, and for what? Why the hell did he even try this? It wouldn't bring Dean back. What they did earlier, Cas didn't know if he'd come back at all.

It wasn't even ten minutes until Cas began to shake and feel tired from the pills. He coughed hard and started to feel scared, regretting his actions. He wanted Dean to help him, he couldn't help himself. He tried to scream out Dean's name, nothing came out. He at least needed to reach his phone. Cas' vision was blurry, he stumbled across everything.

Cas grabbed his phone off the night stand and fell. He panted, tears blurring his vision even worse. He tried to steady his vision clear enough to call someone, anyone... He pressed 'Balthazar'. Balthazar was one of his friends, first on his contacts.

It only rang twice until Balthazar picked up.

"Castiel? Its three in the morning, what the hell are you calling about?" Balthazar had an eccentric accent, Northern British was what Cas guessed. His voice sounded quiet and tired.

Cas only managed to get quiet sob through the phone. Balthazar heard it and fell quiet for a moment, waiting if there was a response. "Baby doll, are you okay?" He only got more muffled sobs. "Cas? Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?"

Cas grunted, sobbing more. "H..house..." He managed, "help." He cried again.

Balthazar nodded as if Cas could see him. "I'm going to come and get you, okay? But stay on the phone." He said again quickly getting dressed into suitable clothing. "Cas, dear, can you tell me what's going on?"

Cas gasped for air a little more and cried harder. "Dean's—pills—" Cas coughed, gagging to throw up the pills.

Balthazar frowned, trying to hurry to his car. "Cas, hang in there, please. Do you know how many you took?"

"I—I don't—" he couldn't speak much more from gagging and coughing. It wasn't long until he had felt like he had thrown something up. He couldn't tell if it was anything though.

"Cas?" Balthazar seemed to have a permanent frown. "Darling?"

"Hurry up!" Cas cried, coughing more.

Balthazar punched the accelerator. "Sweet heart, hold on, I'm going to call the ambulance. Stay with the phone, okay?" He heard more dry-heaving sounds from Cas. He then hung the phone up to immediately call the ambulance.

Cas watched the screen go black, he closed his eyes and sobbed into his floor. He didn't want Balthazar to get off the phone, he didn't want to hear nothing. However he began to not see or feel anything. _Am I dying?_ He thought, he screamed that he was. But quickly enough, he slipped from consciousness.


	4. You Called?

Dean quickly ran back to the apartment building after the hotel with Lisa. He wanted, no, needed to be in bed with Cas. Not her, it didn't feel right without him.

Dean opened the door to the apartment and the lights were on. _This doesn't feel right_ , was the first thing on his mind. "Cas?" Dean called out taking a step into the apartment. There was no answer and Dean's heart began to pound quickly. "Cas?!" He called out again, rushing into their bedroom. The bed was a mess and there was something spilled into the floor. Cas was gone, so was his phone. Dean's breathing became panicky and quick. He ran to the living room, the pill bottles scattered in the floor. "Oh God," Dean whispered, "oh God, Cas, no." He choked on his words picking up the three bottles. All of them empty.

 _This isn't real... This can't be real..._ Dean's thoughts raced. _His phone, he has to have his phone..._ Dean grabbed his own and quickly dialed the number.

No answer.

"No, no, fuck-" Dean thumbed his phone before throwing it against the wall. "Cas-no-" Dean had begun to sob.

Dean was silent before punching the ground as hard as he could. It hurt his hand, but he didn't care. He kept punching the ground until his hand began to arm began to shake. Dean was sure he had broken his knuckles since he couldn't move his hand.

In a moment of silence, Dean heard his phone ringing. It was Cas' ring tone, Snow by The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Dean felt his heart skip a beat as he tried to beat his phone. He picked it up, the screen newly shattered, and answered it. "Cas?" He said quickly, hoping to hear the others voice.

However, he heard an accent instead of Cas' voice. "Um, no." The voice didn't sound _too_ happy, but currently Dean could care less.

Dean's heart dropped when it wasn't Cas. "Who the hell is this?" He demanded.

"Oh relax, Kujo, its Balthazar." Balthazar snubbed.

Dean curled his nose. He knew that accent sounded familiar. "Where the hell is Cas and why do you have his phone?"

Dean heard Balthazar give a slight laugh. "You have no room to ask any questions, where the bloody hell were you?" Balthazar paused, he was angry at the man on the phone. Even if they hardly knew each other, Balthazar got that he was immature from Cas. But he felt bad for lashing out at him.

Dean really had nothing to say for himself, he kept quiet until Balthazar spoke again. "Just come to the hospital."

"Is he okay?" Dean blurted out.

There was a hesitation on the other end. "Just—just come down here, okay?" Balthazar let out a quiet sigh. Given the silence, Balthazar hung up the phone.

What the hell did that mean? Dean dropped his phone from his ear. Cas is dying and it was his fault. His fault that he left, his fault that they fought, and now his fault that his baby was dying. They were even his pills Cas took.

His eyes stung, _not now._ He needed to pull himself together, he needed to get to the hospital and fast.


	5. This is Gospel

 Whenever Balthazar had entered the apartment, it was a wreck. "Cas!" He yelled. "Cas?" He yelled again. "Fuck, Cas!" Balthazar rushed through the apartment looking for him. His eyes caught the glimpse of the curled up figure in the master bedroom.

He rushed over to him. Cas was cold, but still breathing, rather rapidly too. That meant Balthazar had no time to waste. Where the hell was his so-called _boyfriend_? Balthazar knew about Dean, but where the fuck was he?

Balthazar scooped Cas up in his arms quickly. "Shit, you're heavier than you looked." Balthazar muttered under his breath, then rushed out of the apartment.

Cas was too cold to be living. This haunted Balthazar. He tried to keep Cas close to his body, but it was already hard to hold onto Cas since his whole body was shaking and jerking terribly. "Cas, just hold on, okay?" Balthazar whispered to him, wiping his bangs out of his eyes as he was trying to slide Cas into the passengers seat of his car.

Balthazar quickly went around to his side and got in the car. From there he drove, and fast. He turned his attention to Cas every few minutes to check and see if he was still breathing. It wasn't hard to hear him breathe though, his breathing was rapid and uneven. His vitals had to be shutting down. Balthazar didn't have a moment to spare.

Downtown San Francisco at four thirty in the morning had more traffic than Balthazar had expected. He laid down on the horn a few times and people got out of his way. Balthazar got to the hospital, quickly taking Cas into the E.R. Nurses saw how distressed Balthazar was. Once he told them who it was, they quickly began to work at Cas. They started checking his vitals, most of them weak. Other nurses began questioning Balthazar. Most of the questions he didn't know.

They got done with Balthazar, that's when Cas' phone began to ring. Balthazar must have put it in his pocket when he picked up Cas. The ring tone was Def Leopard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me", he never would have guessed Cas liked classic rock. The screen showed a rather pretty green-eyed male with freckles. "Dean" was the name at the top. ' _So that was what Dean looked like_.' Balthazar thought, he had to admit Dean was just as pretty as Cas made him out to be. Though, his looks wouldn't change his opinion about him not being there for his lover.

Balthazar let it go to voice mail. He didn't want to talk to Dean. If he wasn't there to help Cas, he didn't deserve to know. Balthazar then sighed, sliding the phone back into his pocket.

He ran into one of the nurses coming from behind Cas' curtains. "Excuse me, ma'am." Balthazar gently grabbed her arm to get her attention. "Is he okay?"

The nurse tilted her head not taking notice as to who he was talking about. She realized who he was meaning quickly, she frowned making Balthazar nervous. "His body isn't rejecting the pills that he took, we don't know how many he took."

Balthazar bit his tongue. "Is he stable?"

She looked grim. "No, not at the moment. We're trying everything we can, but his kidneys are on the verge of failing and his heart has a terribly irregular beat because his body is in shock." She paused watching his face turned horrified. "We can't pump his stomach because of these reasons... He's lucky he survived this long."

This was even worse news. Why didn't she just tell him _he's not going to make it_ instead of beating around the bush?

The nurse walked away from him then, leaving him to his own thoughts. Balthazar needed help at this point. Dean needed to know.

Balthazar went over to the waiting room chairs, sitting down in one of them pulling out Cas' phone. Luckily it wasn't passworded. He dialed Dean back.


	6. What I've Done

_I'm coming home_

_I'm coming home_

_Tell the world that I'm coming home_

_Let the rain Wash away_

_All the pain of yesterday_

_I know my kingdom awaits_

And they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home

I'm coming home

_Tell the world I'm coming_

  


Dean tore out of the apartments and drove wildly to the hospital. Not once did he think about any police officers nearby, he just thought about Cas and only Cas.

He got to the hospital quickly and had to calm himself before entering the hospital. He wasn't exactly _calm_ , but it would have to do. Dean approached the desk in the E.R, quite demanding he asked where Cas was.

The nurses were trying to get him to calm down, Dean refused until they tell him how Cas was doing. It wasn't until a few moments later, Dean heard the same accent that was over the phone.

"Rachael, its okay. He's with me." The accent fell hushed, then a blonde headed male appeared from the door.

The girl at the window then motioned for Dean to go back. He followed her orders and met up with the accented fellow.

"Is he okay?" Was the first thing that slipped Dean's tongue.

"I'm Balthazar, by the way." Balthazar muttered, avoiding Dean's dreaded question.

"Yeah, I get that." Dean furrowed his brows, really not caring about Balthazar; even if he was Cas' savior. "Where the hell is Cas, and how is he?"

Balthazar shook his head. "You can't go see him." He pointed towards the second set of curtains. "He's in that one."

Dean's eyes followed Balthazar's finger and stared at the curtain, his heart sank. "Why can't I go see him?"

Did he really have to answer that? Balthazar shook his head and went over to a seat where he had been sitting previously. "They're trying to work on him to get him stable."

"He's not stable?" Dean's voice became whispy, as if it hurt him to even breathe.

Balthazar shook his head. "And if you were with him—"

"Don't, please, don't play that fucking card." Dean interrupted Balthazar. He had already given himself hell, he didn't need it from someone else, whom, he doesn't even know.

"I'm just saying." Balthazar muttered.

Dean clenched his jaw and sat down next to Balthazar, cradling his head in his hands.


	7. Pieces of Broken Memories

 "Hey," Cas smiled at him, greeting Dean with a small hand wave.

Dean returned that hand wave. "Hey, sexy." He grinned causing the other to laugh. Dean had just came home from his day at work, Cas had been at the house. He was in his boxers still, Dean figured it was two hours ago that Cas had actually got up.

Cas had his feet tucked under his body as he sat on the couch. "How was work?"

Dean frowned instinctively as he shrugged then sat next to Cas on the caramel colored couch. "It was just another day at work." He thought about events of the day. "Nothing exciting. How about today's day off for you?" He grinned.

Cas shrugged. "Fine for a day off, but it would have been better if you were here." Cas shifted on the couch to where he had his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas.

"I wish I could have stayed home today." Dean kissed the top of his head.

Cas glanced up at Dean, kissing Dean's chin. "I wish we had tomorrow off."

"We have the weekend, Cas. Its okay." Dean grinned, blushing a tad from Cas' small kisses.

The black haired male laughed softly, kissing his neck more than before. "I know, but I don't want to go back to school. I just want to lay around like I did today. Except, having you here is way better."

"I don't wanna work," Dean gently gripped the back of Cas' head. "But I've got to help you out with school and we've gotta keep rent money." Dean frowned as he calculated reality.

Cas frowned seeing that too and pulled away from his neck. "Wow, killjoy." He got up from the couch, walking into the bathroom. Dean watched him.

"Are you taking a shower?" He asked.

Cas called back, "maybe. Come here and find out?" Cas poked his head out of the bathroom. "No, not really."

Dean got up from the couch and rolled his eyes. He trotted towards the bedroom. "Hey, baby?" Dean called.

"Yeah?"

Dean got quiet. "Come here," Dean cleared his throat, sitting on the bed.

Cas appeared at the door frame, bracing himself against it. "You're awkwardly serious all of a sudden." He tilted his head.

Dean shook his head, "I just got to thinking."

Cas smiled, making the awkward silence a joke. "God knows that was a mistake."

"No, I'm serious, Cas." He didn't find Cas' joke to entertaining, that caused Cas to blush a little as he found himself walking towards the bed.

"Alright, what's on your mind?" Cas sat down in front of the other.

Dean smiled softly before shrugging. "Now, don't think I'm stupid or girly or anything." Dean chuckled, "but, do you think about the future?"

Cas tilted his head, Dean was asking him about the future? What was he on?

"What do you see?" Dean asked again.

Cas found it odd. It wasn't like Dean to ask something like that. "What do you see?" He asked back.

Dean smiled and shook his head. "No, I'm serious, Cas."

Cas couldn't believe Dean Winchester was asking him this. "You," Cas smiled, pecking Dean's perfectly plump lips. "I see myself with you." They reconnected their lips for a bit. Dean then quickly got up from the bed.

Cas smiled and laughed at him as he turned towards the door. He was inclining for a playful chase, but Cas only called back. "What do you see?"

Dean didn't reply, "come smoke with me." He uttered.

"Dean!" Cas chased after him, "what do you see?" Cas wanted to know. Even if it did sound girly.

He still didn't answer Cas. Dean grabbed his packet of cigarettes, grabbing two out of the pack. "You gonna come smoke or not?"

Cas rolled his eyes, springing from the bed. "Baby I'm in my boxers."

"So? What are the neighbors gonna say?"

Cas frowned. "That's exactly what I'm afraid of..." He met up with Dean, taking the cigarette from him. "How about we smoke out the window?"

Dean sighed, "just put pants on."

"I don't want to smoke outside." Cas kept on, "its cold."

Dean shook his head, smiling at him. "You haven't even been outside I bet."

Cas shook his head. "I used the window."

"We both can't use the window."

"Why not?" Cas wasn't going to give this up.

Dean finally shook his head, he gave up. "You use the window, I'm going outside."

Cas frowned, "fine." He went back to their bedroom, "just let me grab my flannels." Cas slipped on a pair of plaid flannel sleep pants, they might have been Dean's at one point; the two of them stopped keeping track of their clothes after the first few years they were together.

Dean waited and smiled to himself whenever Cas gave in. "You're a main part of peer pressure." Cas had remarked as he came back out of the bedroom.

"How so?" Dean grinned more.

"Because you are." Cas chuckled, placing the unlit cigarette in between his lips, following Dean out the door.


	8. He's Tired and You Know it.

 The longer Dean sat like that, the more sleep was starting to kick in. What an awful time for tiredness to kick in. Dean sat up in the chair, shifting in the seat. This waiting game that everyone was playing was bullshit. It wasn't funny either.

The silence between he and Balthazar was louder than the heart monitors beeping throughout the E.R.

"What did they tell you?" Dean asked the blonde Brit again.

Balthazar sighed heavily and shook his head. "They told me that he wasn't rejecting the pills and he was too weak to try anything." Balthazar paused his words, he didn't dare look at the other.

Hearing this devastated Dean. "This can't be happening... This can't be happening..." Dean returned to his prior position, his head in his hands.

Balthazar didn't have to look at Dean to know. "I'm sorry... He was my friend, too,"

"Don't say shit like that." Dean snapped his head up, tears brimming his eyes as he glared piercingly at Balthazar. "Don't act like he's dead. He's not dead."

Balthazar wanted to say, 'not yet he isn't.' But he would have hurt himself saying that. He didn't even like that he thought it. "My apologies." Balthazar muttered instead.

Dean let out a soft sigh, rubbing his eyes. "This is stupid... Why can't I go see him...."

"Do you want me to ask how he is?" Balthazar offered. It was the least he could do.

Dean nodded, "yeah." Dean didn't want to speak at all. He felt too weak to.

Balthazar noticed that and sighed, standing to approach the small nurses station in the middle of the room. "Excuse me, Rachael?" He asked the dark headed lady.

"I still didn't know you were here, Balthazar." She smiled softly at him.

Balthazar shook his head. "I can't leave him like this." He paused, staring distantly. "Anyway, how is he?"

"Castiel, right?" She frowned as he nodded. "We finally got his body to stabilize, his blood pressure is deathly low." She paused. "He hasn't shown any sign of waking up either." Balthazar paled. "He's under ICU right now."

"You moved him?" Balthazar beckoned, speechless of any other words.

Rachael nodded, "it wasn't an idea that was liked. But they did move him to ICU."

"And you didn't bother to tell me?" He got heated and Rachael noticed too.

She got rather quiet and tried to defend herself. "Well, we, um, we were going to tell you—"

"Whatever, can we go see him?" Balthazar sighed.

She nodded. "Yes..."

He nodded with her and glanced back at Dean. "He's with me, by the way."

"What are you guys anyway? His brothers?" Rachael asked. Balthazar knew if he said no, neither of them could go see him.

"Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, we're his brothers.

"Okay, well you'll have to follow me." She said, turning away from Balthazar.

He went over to Dean then. Dean perked his head up. "What's going on? Is he okay?"

Balthazar put up his hand. "He's better than before. He's stable, but still out." Balthazar sighed quietly.

"Can I go see him?" Dean barked.

"Yes, he's in ICU though." Balthazar hated that Dean was so damn demanding.

Dean fell silent then.

"Do you want to see him or are you just going to keep staring at me with those sorry eyes?" Balthazar waited for a small nod from Dean before walking towards the nurse that was waiting on them.


	9. Almost There

 "Humans are such boring things."

Dean glanced up at the stretched out other. He took a deep breath of the rolled up joint. "What the hell are you going about now?"

Cas shook his head. "Being human is disappointing."

He blew out the vapor, handing it to Cas. "You're disappointing."

"Because I'm human." He took it, taking in a huge hit.

"Everyone's human." Dean added.

"And we're flawed!" Cas exclaimed suddenly, coughing out the hazy smoke. "All there is in the end of this life is sorrow and depressing goodbyes. Why do we mourn over death?"

Dean furrowed his brows after calming down from the previous startle. "Because its sad?"

"Wrong!" He laughed. "It's because we think its sad. We put in our minds that death is a sad thing, but really its just escaping whatever the hell this place is. And going some place better."

"I thought you were agnostic?"

"I am, but I'm just saying anywhere is better than here and feeling nothing is better than feeling like a human." Cas sat up from the bed, taking another hit.

"You're fucking weird." Dean laughed.

"I know." Cas smiled, changing the topic and losing his point from before, "hey, Dean."

"Yeah?" Dean watched Cas.

"Lets throw this on the other building."

Dean furrowed his brows. "For what ever reason?"

"Just to see if we can." Cas smiled, taking the last of it.

"What if we can't?"

"Then it'll be damn funny to watch who ever it drops on." He laughed. "Also, if you can get it on the roof, I'll let you change the ring tone on my phone to whatever you want. And I have to leave it for the rest of this month."

"And if you make it?"

"Then I can change yours." He smirked.

Dean shook his head and laughed, "okay, whatever." He went over to the packet of cigarettes and pulled one out. "You use the blunt, I'll use this when I get done smoking it."

"Deal. Its almost the same." Cas grinned, kissing Dean's lips.

Dean was caught off guard, but he expected it from the intoxicated other. "What was that for?"

"That's how you make pacts with the devil, isn't it?"

"Are you calling me the devil?"

"I'm not calling you a saint." Cas grinned more, locking their lips back together. "Dean Winchester is the devil, corrupting the angels, making them fall from heaven just for him."

"Just one angel was dumb enough to fall for the devil's tricks." Dean played along.

When Cas was high, he usually was a bit more sexual. Not that Dean ever complained though. And it wasn't unusual for Cas to make conspiracies either, he was even worse on LSD. Half the time, Dean ignored him. The only time he didn't ignore him was when he wanted sex.

The two intertwined their fingers, kisses starting out small. They remained that way until Cas started laughing. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' waist, keeping his lips onto the others lips.

Cas gripped Dean's arm, laughing under the kiss as well as gasping for air. "Baby!" He panted. "Let's go do the challenge."

He groaned and pulled away, smiling. "Fine, but you're mine afterwards."

"Is that supposed to make me scared?" Cas smirked.

"You should be." Dean roughly pecked his lips once more before Cas pushed him away and darted to the window.

"C'mon, hurry up and smoke so I can beat your ass!" Cas laughed, shoving the window open with a hard thrust.

"Yeah, okay." Dean chuckled, lighting the cigarette then walked over to Cas. "You want the first drag?"

Cas took the cigarette between his thumb and forefinger and sucked down a fast drag. He coughed it back out as Dean laughed.

"Hold on there, leave me some." Dean smiled, getting it from Cas. "Its not going to give you the same power as that last thing." He joked, sucking in a large breath.

"Yeah," Cas coughed a little more, his eyes watered. "Ugh, that was a mistake."

"Yeah I bet." He laughed, taking an inhale from it. Dean breathed it out, squeezing the rest into an ash tray. "Alright, ready for me to win?" He cocked an eyebrow up, smirking at Cas.

He liked the wild look in his green eyes. Cas rolled his eyes. "You wish pretty boy."

"Oh you think I'm pretty!" Dean flourished with a bright grin.

"Duh, I wouldn't be here if I didn't think so." A small blush crept on his cheeks.

"You're so sweet." Dean kissed his red cheeks.

Cas pushed him off. "You're so mooshy!" He laughed. "C'mon, I wanna win!"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Alright then, but I'm gonna show you up."

"I'll go first." Cas twirled the brown leftovers in his fingers before throwing it hard out the window. They both watched it quickly fall on top of the other building. Cas threw his hands up in a victory. "Hell yes! Beat that motherfucker!" He laughed.

Dean smirked and nodded. "I will." Dean took his place at the window, throwing his butt out the window. They watched it fall, onto the other buildings top. Dean laughed and clapped his hands together.

"So I guess we both won." He laughed.

"Do we change each others then?" Dean took out his phone.

"I guess." Cas took out his, giving it to Dean and grabbing the others in the process.

"What are you gonna change it too?" Dean asked, skimming through Cas' music.

"You'll see." Cas grinned.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah, okay." He smiled picking one of his songs he downloaded. Dean smiled to himself, it was Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leopard. He put the phone down the phone on the table, stretching his arms upwards. "Hurry, damn."

Cas placed Dean's on the table and walked to Dean. He slipped his hands up Dean's shirt. "Hurry? For what?" He pressed his lips to the back of his neck. "I love you." He smiled, leaving small kisses on his neck.

Dean blushed, turning to face Cas. "I love you, too." Dean plucked his lips, pulling at his bottom lip gently. Cas smiled against his lips, roughly pushing him into a kiss. Dean pushed back, running his fingers his up Cas' grey AC/DC shirt on his skin. "Baby..." He shivered, pressing their foreheads together. Cas licked Dean's lips before going back into another kiss. Dean moved his hand towards Cas' cheek, pushing Cas onto the wall. Their kiss became more heated as Dean gripped Cas tightly, lifting Cas with his arms and Cas helping him by wrapping his legs around Dean's torso. Dean moved one of his arms between the two of them, loosening the others blue jeans. Cas shifted, grasping the back of Dean's head. They broke for a moment so Cas could slip his own shirt off, Dean helped him. Once skin showed, Dean took advantage of it and began to suck on the toned skin.

Cas moaned at that, planting small kisses on the top of Dean's head.


	10. Don't You Think That's Enough For Now?

Cas was too pale. With the tubes forced down his throat, it didn't even look like Cas. Dean watched his chest rise and fall with every forced breath. He didn't take his eyes off of him, studying Cas' stillness.

The door rattled and squeaked open, his gaze didn't lift. It was Balthazar. Dean hadn't noticed he had left. "Hey," Balthazar tried to get Dean's attention. "I brought you some coffee. You look like you need it."

Dean picked his eyes up from Cas and moved them slowly to see the cup Balthazar handed to him. "Thanks." Dean's voice was monotonous and raspy.

"Don't mention it." Balthazar said softly. "Has he shown any signs?"

Dean's eyes made their way back to Cas' body. He shook his head, taking a sip from the cup. Dean rubbed his rough feeling face with his other hand. "Do you know what time it is?" Dean rubbed his eyes.

Balthazar looked at his watch, Cas' phone and his dying a few hours before. "A quarter past seven."

Dean sighed and got up from the chair, putting the cup on the ground. "I need to take a walk."

"Don't blame you. You've been sitting with him all night." Balthazar licked his lips, watching the white tiles. "I'll keep an eye on him."

Dean nodded, watching Cas' rugged breathing once again.

"Don't worry about him, okay?" Balthazar frowned.

Why shouldn't he worry about him? "Don't tell me who to worry about." Dean snapped. He sighed after that. He didn't need to be rude to Balthazar, he was the one who saved Cas after all. Balthazar didn't say anything to Dean, Dean then left the room.

Dean didn't really want to leave, he thought about going back into the room. But decided against it. Dean needed out of there. He pulled out his phone, it was dead. Dean sighed and walked down the nearly empty hallway. The white walls seemed to only taunt him, the lack of nurses also made him weary. He approached the nurse's station, only three seemed to be available at the moment.

A short haired brunette glanced up at Dean. "How can I help you?" Her eyes seemed tired as she asked. She must be from night shift.

Dean glanced at her name tag, 'Tessa' is what it read. "Uh, which way is the cafeteria?" He asked slowly. Dean probably looked pathetic.

Tessa stood up from the desk, "I was actually about to head that way. Why don't you just follow me?" She glanced to the other nurses and told them she was going on a break.

Dean watched her and then followed behind her.

"You look tired. How long have you been here?" She struck up a conversation, not knowing if Dean was wanting to talk or not.

He shrugged. "I don't know, I think since four."

"Were you with that O.D.?"

Dean sighed and nodded. She frowned. "I'm sorry, he's in rough condition."

Dean didn't need to hear that. "Has his blood tests come back yet?" He asked.

She shook her head, "no. I'm sorry." There was a small silence in their conversation. "Did you know what he took? All information is vital."

He thought about his stash, the scenery of the tore up apartment flooding back to his memories. Dean nodded and sighed. "Yeah." He didn't want to say anything, but if it saves Cas' life, he was willing to say everything. "They were mine." He uttered weakly.

Tessa stared at Dean, blinking blankly. "What were they?"

Dean hesitated tremendously. "Oxys," he paused thinking of the others. "Oxys, adderol, and molly." Dean choked on his words, tears finding their way to surface his eyes.

She stared at him and sucked in a deep breath. "How much of each?"

Dean bit his tongue. "He took the bottles."

"How much were in each bottle?!" She demanded, stopping the taller man.

Dean shook his head. "I don't know! Twenty? Ten? Six?!" Dean felt panicked all over again.

She turned around, "I wish you could have said that earlier."

Dean followed behind her just as quickly as she was walking towards the station. "Change of plans." She said briskly at the other two nurses. "Our boy in there, he's going to need a bigger watch team."

The other two looked at each other. "What do you mean?"

"Just call doctor Shurley." Tessa grabbed her stethoscope and ran into Cas' room. Dean watched the other two nurses scatter about as something started beeping on the station. That was Cas' heart monitor.

It was slow motion, it had to have been moving in slow motion. Balthazar grabbed Dean's shoulder, his mouth was moving but Dean couldn't hear anything. He didn't want to hear him.

"What are they doing to Cas?!" Dean finally managed to scream out. He watched more nurses, and maybe a doctor rush to his room. Dean tried to dart towards the room too, but Balthazar grabbed him by the waist. Dean fell to the floor. Dean had no control of what he was doing or screaming.

Balthazar had a tight hold on Dean, he was trying to calm him. "Dean, get a hold of yourself!"

Dean didn't seem to be calming. His breathing was rather rapid. "What the fuck! Let go of me!" He screamed over and over, nurses came to Dean trying to calm him as well. They told him Cas was okay, he was fine, and his heart was okay. But Dean refused to listen.

Finally, Dean had stopped screaming and fighting Balthazar and the nurses. He was nearing the verge of passing out from hyperventilation.

"Sir, please calm down!" One of the nurses voice came through to Dean's ears. His eyes met her green ones. Her green eyes accented her pale face and her ginger hair that was pulled back into a pony tail. "Please?" Her lower lip trembled as she pleaded with Dean to call down. "You're going to pass out if you don't." Something about this nurse comforted Dean. He caught his breathing, carefully watching her as she took his blood pressure. He wasn't sure that's what she was doing, but he didn't doubt his instincts.

"I need you to talk to me," she said softly. "My name is Charlie, I'm a nurse. And your blood pressure is low." She frowned taking the arm band from Dean. Her eyes met with his, she quickly noted that he was watching her then looked away. "What's your name?"

It took a moment for Dean to register that her lips were moving. He cleared his throat and furrowed his brows. "Huh?" He couldn't really say much more than that.

Charlie tilted her head to the side. "Your name is 'Huh'?" She smiled at her own joke brimming. "Hello, 'Huh'. I'm nurse."

He didn't get her joke. Instead he gave her a look as if she weren't even speaking a real language. Charlie quickly realized her bad joke and shook her head. "Never mind." She found that the silence was even more awkward than the bad joke. It made her rather uncomfortable. "Uh, so, your name?" She tried again.

Dean finally understood her, he just wasn't sure if he wanted to answer her or not. He took a moment, her awkwardly staring him down and the silence between them, for Dean to answer her. "Dean..." He croaked. "Dean Winchester."

"That's it?" Charlie's eyebrows knitted. "You look like one of those dudes that would say, 'my name is Dean Winchester, you killed my father, prepare to die.' You know?"' As she said that, she gave her best "Inigo Montoya" impression.

"Did you just quote 'The Princess Bride'?" Dean panted to speak.

Charlie grinned and nodded. "At least you know your movies."

"Of course I know my movies." Dean muttered.

"Good, me too." She smiled brighter, holding Dean's wrist for his pulse. She counted under her breath.

Dean watched her do that too. He took his wrist back as she pushed his wrist away. "Can I go see him?" He asked under his breath.

She glanced back at him, hardly hearing him. "Um, I think so." She turned back towards the crowded room. She frowned. "Never mind, they're not done."

Dean tried to scatter to his feet. He didn't care if he wasn't allowed, he'd go in anyways. "What do you mean?!" He fell back to his knees, rather dizzy,

She grabbed his arm just in case. "They're trying to work more on him..." She frowned, helping Dean stand. "I'll check it out if you want." She stood up, helping Dean up.

Dean swept his eyes across the hospital hallway, spotting Balthazar propped against the wall outside of Cas' room. Dean nodded at her. "Thank you..." He walked towards Balthazar, feeling antsy as he approached the room.

Balthazar glanced up. "You okay?" He mumbled loud enough for Dean to hear.

Dean looked up to the other and nodded. He heard the nurses and doctors yelling commands, it was hard not for him to break down again. He glanced behind Balthazar and then back to his feet. "Yeah, uh, yeah." He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"You're lying." Balthazar sighed.

Dean watched him and shook his head. "It's my fault." Dean said quietly. Balthazar heard him however and only watched his expression turn hurt. "Its my fault he's in there."

"Dean," Balthazar put his hand up and shook his head. "Its not your fault."

Dean gave a sarcastic laugh and shook his head. "You even said it was my fault. Don't pull that shit..." Dean looked at the door, shadows looming over the brown door. "I've killed him, he's dying and its my fault." Dean's breathing picked up as he thought about Cas.

"No, hey," Balthazar grabbed Dean's shoulder. "Calm down. Okay?" He frowned.

Dean held his breath trying to calm himself. He shook his head, breathing out and quickly breathing again. "He's going to die."

"Don't say that." Balthazar snapped. "Don't you dare say that. You need to stay strong for him. Even if you can't stay strong for yourself. He needs you."

Dean didn't meet Balthazar's blue eyes. He couldn't find himself to do so. Cas did need him, but he's the one that caused all of it. Dean closed his eyes, shaking his head. Dean rubbed his eyes, scratching his new stubble.

 


	11. A New Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This setting is in Lawrence, Kansas; it is mainly dialogue.

* * *

 

 

 "Dean," Cas coughed into his hand, rounding the corner of Dean's house. No one was home at the time, or so he thought. "Dean?" He frowned.

"Yeah?" Dean was in the living room downstairs.

"Where's my stuff?" Cas stood at the archway that led into the den with his arms crossed.

"What stuff?" Dean tried to act like he had no clue of what Cas meant.

"All of my stuff that was in our room?" Cas narrowed his glare at Dean.

Dean glanced at Cas and shrugged his shoulders. "It shouldn't be moved. Are you sure its just not where it should be."

Cas frowned and quickly turned on his heels. There he found four black bags sitting in a row. "Is that... Mine?" Cas felt his heart plummet into the floor.

"Yeah, it is." Dean appeared around the corner. Why does he look so damn happy? Cas felt angry and hurt by how great he looked.

"Why is it in bags?" He breathed slowly.

"Just look through them. Make sure it is all yours." Dean said with a smile.

"What the fuck?" Cas put up his hand and felt his eyes sting. What was Dean trying to even begin to get at.

"Just, trust me." Dean smiled even more.

"Fuck, tell me what the hell is going on?" Cas crossed his arms.

"You just have to make sure none of its mine." Dean picked up the first bag, handing it to Cas. "Please, just look through this one. I think I left something in it."

Cas rolled his eyes, taking the bag from him. "Why don't you just look through it yourself?"

"Because its yours."

"That never stopped you before." Cas snapped, opening the bigger pocket. On top of the clothes set a small key. He picked it up. "Its my key to your house?" He frowned.

Dean grinned. "You sure its the key to my house?"

Cas' face paled. "What's it to...?" Cas looked to Dean.

He had a dumb grin on his face. "To the apartment I was working on." Dean smiled as Cas' eyes grew large.

"What?" Cas was surprised.

"Happy anniversary." Dean grinned more pulling Cas into a tight hug.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, tightly holding onto him. "How did you manage...?"

"I got a raise and put the extra in a different account." Dean mumbled into his ear. "We can move in whenever we want. The first year is paid for." Dean kissed Cas' warm cheek.

"What?" Cas literally couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Yeah." Dean smiled. "You've been complaining that you wanna move in together, so I got you the studio apartment you wanted." He grinned more.

"No way." Cas threw his arms around Dean's neck.

"Yes way." Dean held Cas even tighter at this point.

Cas slid his arms downwards to Dean's shoulders. "Don't you think we're moving too fast?" He frowned.

It was a chain reaction. Dean frowned as well and shrugged his shoulders. "I guess that makes us fool's." However the smile came back. "But I can't help—"

Cas interrupted him with a laugh. "Don't quote that song please."

Dean smiled, "why not? I thought you liked Elvis."

"I do, it just makes me sad." Cas pressed his lips together into a fine line, waiting for Dean's reaction.

"Why?" Dean's brows knitted.

Cas shrugged. "I don't know, it just does." He paused. "My Mom used to play a lot of Elvis."

"Really?" Dean frowned.

"Yeah, she loved Elvis. Not that I don't, I just got my love for him, from my Mom." Cas' lips curved down thinking about a certain scene. The records playing in the background, him and his older brother, Gabriel, peeking around a corner watching their mother waltz or jive by herself to Elvis. Some times it'd be Blue Suede Shoes, or something slow.

Dean looked down to his shoes. "We can take the record player and the records if you want." Dean interrupted Cas' thoughts about his Mom.

"Yeah," he mumbled under his breath. "That would be nice."

Dean smiled, kissing Cas' lips softly to wake him out of his lucid state. "Hey, cheer up, we finally get a place of our own."

Cas nodded, gently kissing him back. "Sorry." He smiled. "I got caught up in my thoughts."

"I know." He smiled. "Now come on and help me. We can move in today if you want."

"That would be nice, tomorrow we can start over again." Cas watched Dean nod and they kissed once more before breaking their touch.


	12. What Sarah Said

"He showed signs of waking up." The brunette nurse, Tessa, smiled as she gave the news to the two men. "We think he's going to recover greatly. His blood tests came back, too."

Hearing this made Dean ecstatic. Finally some good news. "Is his blood okay?"

"His blood count is low, which means he has an infection somewhere in his body." She glanced at the papers. "His kidneys were on the verge of failing earlier this morning so that means that he's low in sugar and iron. Calcium as well."

Dean felt a small bit of perspiration trail his forehead. "That can be fixed though, right?" Dean looked behind her at Cas in the bed.

"Yes, we've got him on some vitamins through his IV." She smiled, "as of now, he's off of life support and he's breathing on his own." She glanced behind herself. "He will probably wake up in a few hours."

"And if he doesn't?" Balthazar chimed in.

Tessa frowned, "then it might be a few days. He was very responsive to the tests though." She smiled again, "only positive thoughts now, boys."

Dean gave a quick fake smile as did Balthazar as she brushed past them. Finally they were allowed to enter the room. Dean eagerly stepped into the room, only to be reminded of their night terrors.

It was now nine-thirty. Dean went over to the side of Cas' bedside. "Hey," he smiled even though Cas was still out.

His eyes panned over his body. When did Cas get so thin? Dean picked up Cas' hand, brushing his black hair out of his eyes with the other hand. Dean placed Cas' hand back onto the other's body. Dean grabbed the chair behind him and pulled it close to the bed.

"Hey, Balthazar." Dean mumbled remembering that he was there.

"Yeah?" Balthazar answered, surprised that he was actually talking to him.

"You can go home, I've got it from here." Dean cleared his throat. "I'll call you when he wakes up."

Balthazar nodded. He didn't want to leave really, he wanted to stay until Cas woke up. But it was about waiting now; call him selfish, but he didn't want to wait anymore. "Yeah, alright." He said coming over to the bed. He rubbed Cas' head and kissed his forehead. "Stay strong, friend. I'll see you later." Balthazar said quietly.

Dean watched him leave. He sighed quietly to himself propping his head up on his hands. It wouldn't have been long where Dean actually passed out like that.


	13. Unfold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight NSFW Warning, because I can't smut write well.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas stepped back from the corner, his mom's record player taking up the small space. "How does this look?" Cas glanced over to Dean.

"Yeah, it looks nice." He wasn't paying much attention to Cas. He was busy hanging up a mirror.

Cas frowned, crossing his arms. "You didn't even look."

Dean glanced over his shoulder, his arms outstretched holding the mirror against the wall. "I did, it looks nice, now help me with the mirror."

Cas trotted over Dean, wrapping his arms around his waist. "Why are we putting up the mirror? I wanna paint."

"We agreed we'd put it up here." Dean frowned, sliding the mirror down the wall carefully. "Since when did you want to paint the walls?"

"Since I like art." Cas grinned as Dean turned around in his arms.

Dean gently pecked Cas' lips. "When did you start liking art?" Dean gently slipped his hands up Cas' shirt.

"Since always." Cas smiled even more, moving his arms around Dean's neck. "How about we take a break from arranging, hm?" Cas gently caressed Dean's cheek.

"You cooking or me?" Dean pressed his head against Cas' hand.

"No, I'm not hungry," Cas pressed his lips against his neck.

Dean smirked, tilting his head to give Cas better access to his neck. "You're not hungry for food?" He groaned as Cas sucked on his neck.

"Mmmh," Cas grinned, letting up for a moment. "I'm hungry for blood." He faked an accent then bit Dean again, more rough than moments before.

Dean laughed, "Hey now, be nice." He smiled. "Let's go smoke, okay?"

Cas frowned, shaking his head. "No way, baby. You've gotta cut back anyway." Cas smiled, kissing Dean's jaw line. He moved quickly to Dean's lips. Dean couldn't really protest, even if he wanted to.

That one small kiss escalated quickly into a more rough one. Small breaths were taken whenever they could break apart long enough to do so. Dean pushed Cas back for a moment to speak. "Wait, baby... We'll break the mirror," he panted.

Cas grabbed onto Dean's hand, leading him to their bedroom. "The first time in the bedroom." Cas muttered, slipping his shirt off and onto the floor.

Dean mimicked Cas with his shirt and grinned. "Let's make it as awkward as possible."

"Let's not." Cas smiled, falling to his knees in front of Dean. He smiled up at Dean, undoing his belt.

"Right now?" Dean blushed at the thought of Cas sucking him off in the middle of their open room.

"Yeah," Cas slipped Dean's pants down, his boxers going with them. "Sit down, I'm taking my time." Cas smirked.

Dean grinned, running his fingers through Cas' hair. "Go for it." He muttered as Cas began slowly at Dean's hips.

Cas slowly left little kisses on his hip bones, moving his way towards his member. "You're tense, Babe." Cas breathed softly, rubbing his thighs gently.

Dean let out a soft moan, feeling Cas' hot breath against his skin. "You still make me nervous." Dean trembled as he spoke.

Cas smiled when he heard that. He then, slowly licked the base of his cock. He left small kisses around it, he closed his eyes as he let his tongue drag from the bottom to the tip. Dean stiffened his back, small moans slipping his lips. Cas placed his lips around the tip, surfing his tongue around it. Dean fist Cas' hair in his hands.

"God, Cas..." Dean breathed. Cas slid his mouth lower down on him, Dean helping by putting pressure on his head. "Cas..." He was breathless. He began to lose his mind when Cas began sucking on him rather hard. Dean ran his fingers through Cas' hair. "Fuck!" He breathed a little rapidly, moving with Cas' head movements.

Cas bobbed his head and sucked on Dean's hard even harder, making his own moaning noises. He was enjoying this greatly. Dean moaned a bit louder as Cas continued. "Fuck...." Dean moaned out breathlessly.

Cas pulled himself off of Dean, gently licking his head. "It's my turn, Babe.." Cas ran his hand down his on front, noticing his own hard. "Dean..." He moaned out, palming himself through his pants.

Dean flushed red watching Cas. "You'd better finish me off, Baby." Dean back trotted to the bed, his legs nearing the state of buckling. Cas crawled towards Dean, licking his erection. "Fine... But help me afterwords..." Cas whined, sucking on Dean's head rather vigorously. Dean wasn't expecting it as much as he should have. Dean grabbed Cas' hair, pulling at it softly. Cas then was going to try something he hadn't done in a while. He pushed quickly to deep throat him. Cas had nearly had no gag-reflex, which Dean was happy about. Especially at a time like this. Cas bobbed his head up and down on Dean, faster and faster, Dean moaned louder and louder. Cas didn't seem to be letting up.

"Fuck— Cas—" Dean tensed his body, arching his back trying to hold out on his release.

Cas heard, and felt that from Dean, he slowed down only sucking hard. Dean pressed Cas' head trying to get him to move. Dean moaned out as Cas fought against him to move. Cas hummed quietly, only enough for Dean to feel vibrations. It drove Dean to the point. He arched his back and moaned out Cas' name as he held Cas' hair.

Cas swallowed all of him as he pulled away. "Its my turn baby...."


	14. All's Bad In Pleasentville

Dean woke up to the sound of voices talking to one another. He groaned stretching his arms upwards. Falling asleep in the chair didn't help his posture, it made his back hurt rather badly. His butt being numb also didn't help the factor.

Dean rubbed his eyes, his vision was blurry from yawning a few times. He looked at Cas, he was awake. Was his eyes playing tricks? He rubbed his eyes just to make sure.

"Oh, you're awake." A woman's voice said. He looked at her, Tessa, then back to Cas. He was smiling and awake. "He was just telling me about you." She giggled, making Dean weary of what Cas said.

"Cas...?" Dean almost didn't believe he was awake.

"Hello, Dean." Cas smiled as Dean sprang from the chair. Dean still thought his eyes were playing tricks on him.

Dean leaned close to Cas, a smile broke out on his face. "Cas..." He gently brushed his cheek with his fingers.

Cas chuckled. "You okay, Dean?"

He studied Cas' face and shook his head. "I was so worried..." He frowned.

"I'm gonna check on you later." Tessa smiled, walking out of the room.

Cas smiled at Tessa, then frowned seeing Dean's disgruntled look. "I'm sorry..." He muttered, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck to pull him closer. He was weak and Dean could tell easily. "You can get in the bed, ya'know..." Cas mumbled.

"Really?" Dean pulled back a little not wanting him to really use his strength.

"Yeah, I asked Tessa. She's really nice." Cas smiled.

"Yeah, she is." Dean smiled softly then watched Cas' face. "Do you hurt...?"

Cas shrugged his shoulders, shaking his head. "I feel light."

He figured that was the mollys talking now. "You don't hurt anywhere...?" Dean asked getting the same head shake.

"Nope." Cas grinned, "please hold me." He gently kissed Dean's lips. Dean didn't kiss back. Cas frowned looking at Dean. "What's wrong, babe?"

Dean furrowed his brows, he stood up straight. "What's wrong?" He scoffed, glancing away. "You're asking me what's wrong, Cas? Are you freaking kidding me?" Cas frowned hearing this, he didn't know how to respond. "You're sitting here, in a hospital bed and you're asking me 'what's wrong'?"

"Dean—" Cas let out a soft sigh. "Sorry, I just wasn't thinking... Please just hold me..." Cas didn't want for them to fight. Not now at least.

Dean frowned and shook his head. His head pounding and he just realizing it. "Shit..." He held his head.

Cas frowned seeing him like that. "Is your head hurting?" Cas asked.

"Yeah." Dean groaned. "I think I just need a cigarette... I haven't had one in a few hours."

"Ah... Me either." Cas smiled. "I don't feel very bad though."

"That's good." Dean smiled softly, kissing Cas' forehead. "I'm going to go smoke one... I'll be back in a bit, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Cas frowned watching Dean. "Smoke me one too." Cas watched Dean leave the room rather quickly.

Dean knew it wasn't only nicotine withdraw. Once he hit the bright noon sun he shielded his eyes and closed them. His head pounded through his eyes. Dean took out a packet of cigarettes and took one out, putting it between his lips. He lit it, sucking the thick vapor into his lungs.

After the third or fourth drag, his headache eased. A cigarette wasn't going to do it though. Dean surfed his pocket for any sort of pills. There was none. He remembered he gave the last to Lisa earlier and Cas stole the rest at the apartment. Dean groaned trying to turn on his phone. It was dead and it died as soon as it came on.

Dean took out another cigarette, maybe two would help. It didn't. Dean made his way to his 1967 Chevy Impala, maybe he left something in there. He checked his passenger seat glove box, a pill bottle. Finally. Dean shook the yellow bottle into his hand, it was an assorted bit. Oxys, mollys, and maybe a lucy tablet. Dean took three oxys. He chewed them up and swallowed them. Hopefully his head would quit. He slipped a few tabs and pills into his pocket for later.

Dean slid out of the slick black car and locked the door back. He sighed, smoking a last cigarette while walking back to the hospital. He needed to get back to Cas, he felt rather bad for leaving him like that. Dean was a dick when he left. He put the cigarette out, blowing the last bit out of his lungs then walked into the hospital. He quickly went back to Cas' room.

Outside of the room, there was a lot of commotion. Dean felt nervous as he approached the nurses. "What's going on...?" He asked.

The red headed nurse was standing there, her name was something that started with a 'C'.... Dean just couldn't remember. She frowned. "He doesn't know where he is. Tessa's trying to get him to calm down right now." She said.

Dean's heart sped up rapidly. "What do you mean 'he doesn't know where he's at'?" Dean was only gone for a rough twenty minutes... Dean tried to push his way through the nurses. "Let me in there!" He panted, breathing heavily.

"He's violent!" She said, pushing Dean back. "The type of drugs that are in his system is making him violent, you cant go in there!" She said quickly.

That wasn't going to stop Dean though. "Let me in there, he needs me, he wants me!" Dean yelled, tears actually swelling in his eyes. "Please just let me through." He panted, giving up.

"Dean, please..." She held Dean in her arms. Her sweet perfume making Dean feel sick. "We found something else in his blood..." She stated. "We need to talk to you..."


	15. College is a Bitch

It had been an all night thing. Cas had come home from class at an unusual time, mid-day from a rather high fever. Once he got home, he immediately darted to the bathroom to vomit. He hated throwing up... He hated it and usually tried not to. But this time, he couldn't help it.

Cas coughed a few times, throwing up the rest of what was held in his stomach. He figured that was it, however he didn't leave the toilet. Cas grabbed his phone from his pocket, calling Dean quickly.

Dean answered quickly, it wasn't often he would call during school hours. Something had to have been wrong. "Cas? What's up?"

"Dean, I'm sick." Cas mumbled clearly, throwing himself back over the toilet, feeling nauseous once again.

"With what? What's wrong?" Dean quickly asked. He wasn't supposed to be on the phone while at work, but at this point it didn't matter.

Cas closed his eyes, it was nice hearing Dean's voice. "I was hurting in my bones, I had a fever, and then I threw up..." Cas felt something trying to make its way out. He held it down, making a few whimpering sounds.

Dean didn't like the sound of that as he frowned to himself. "I'll come home after Adam's break."

"Don't, we need the money." Cas choked on his words. "You need to work..." He muttered.

"Baby, you're sick, I can't let you suffer on your own." Dean covered his mouth. "Can you call Anna?"

Cas hadn't thought about calling his older sister. She lived in the area and was the only one out of his family that still considered him family. "She might be at work." Cas' lip trembled.

"Call her, then call me back. Okay?" Dean sighed.

"Fine... But you don't need to come home. It isn't that important."

"Oh baby, you're way more important than these jerks." Dean chuckled.

"Whatever, talk to you in a bit." Cas muttered.

"Yeah, I love you." Dean smiled softly.

"You too..." Cas wasn't as enthusiastic, Dean frowned when they hung up.

Cas quickly vomited after that, his phone slipping his hand into the floor. He didn't have anything else, so it was just stomach acid. Cas didn't have much strength after that. He propped himself up over the toilet, coughing more. He wasn't going to call Anna. Cas didn't want to serve as a problem to her.

After a few minutes, Cas sat up from the toilet. His stomach still cramping as he grabbed his phone. He didn't exactly want to call Dean, but he didn't want to be alone either. Cas stood up, feeling dizzy upon standing; he had to hold onto the counter. Cas made his way into the bedroom and laid down on the bed. Cas closed his eyes, panting heavily. He brought the phone to his face, turning it on, dialing Dean back.

"Hey baby, how are you feeling?" Dean said when he picked up.

"Deean, I think I'm dying." Cas coughed roughly into his palm.

Dean frowned, "I don't think you're dying, baby." He paused, "I'll be there, gimmie ten minutes, okay?"

Cas let out a soft groan. "Please, you don't really have to come off of work for me..."

"Cas, no, you need me there. I'd rather be there for you." Dean smiled to himself.

Cas coughed hard again, "whatever, I'll be dead by the time you get here."

"Dead asleep probably." Dean smiled, "Yeah, yeah, over there—no, no, Adam. Not—dammit." Cas heard a loud crash. "Shit! Adam! Hey, uh, I've gotta go. I'll be there in—shit, whenever I can."

Cas frowned, sighing quietly. "Its, its okay baby... Duty calls."

"No, take that back. I'll be there in ten. Adam can handle it." Dean sighed as well. "Stay awake until I get home, I wanna know how you're feeling."

Cas was quiet for a moment. "Yeah, do whatever you have to baby, I'll wait." He took his phone away from his ear, putting it back moments later. "I'll let you go, baby."

"I'll be home in a little bit, okay?" Dean growled then, mainly at his nosy employee.

"Yeah, love you." Cas hung up the phone not waiting for Dean to respond.

Cas laid the phone on the side table and turned his back towards the door. It took Cas a few minutes to fall asleep.

Dean arrived ten minutes later, just like he promised. He walked into the apartment and saw that the lights were still on. He frowned, "Cas? Baby? You still awake?" Getting no answer, he looked in their room. He saw Cas laying on the bed.

Cas shifted in the bed, waking up from his ten-minute nap. He glanced back at Dean. "Babe..?"

"I thought I told you to wait up, hm?" He grinned.

"Fuck you." Cas shoved his arms under the pillow.

Dean slid his shoes off, crawling onto the bed. "Sorry, how are you feeling?"

"Not any better." Cas groaned. "I haven't puked again... But that's only been a few minutes..."

Dean frowned, pressing his hand to Cas' cheek. It did feel feverish, worrying Dean a little. "Want to see if you can keep something down?"

"No, not right now..." Cas shifted again. "I just want to sleep."

Dean laid down beside him. "You can sleep," Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, pulling him close. Cas snaking his arms around Dean's slender waist. "I'll sleep with you to make sure you're okay." He smiled.

Cas gave a weak smile back, snuggling in the crook of his neck. It always seemed like a perfect place to be. Cas always felt comfort right there, being with Dean. "Goodnight, baby..."

"I love you, babe." Dean kissed his fever-ridden head.

It wasn't hard for Cas to fall asleep, Dean on the other hand found it extremely difficult to fall asleep; Cas' fever was burning him up. Dean shifted a few times, holding Cas as he shivered from his fever suddenly spiking. Dean frowned and uncovered Cas. He wiggled out of Cas' grasp carefully and slid out of the bed without waking him; Dean figured he needed to do something about his fever. Dean went to the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth, wetting it with cold water. Even if Cas fought against him, he'd have to put it on his hot skin.

Dean gently placed the rag on Cas' cheek, he breathed in waking up. "What the hell...?" Cas looked over at Dean, he felt his stomach turn. "Fuck.." Cas covered his mouth, throwing the towel onto the bed.

"Cas you have to get your fever down." Dean frowned.

"No," Cas muttered, slowly getting out of the bed. He ran to the toilet then, throwing himself over it.

Dean watched in disgust as the other dry heaved. "Maybe you should go to the doctor."

Cas cringed, raising himself up slightly. "I can't, we don't have anything..." Cas felt sick again.

"Oh well, I have enough to pay for a visit." Dean walked up behind him, squatting next to him.

"Dean—I can't keep relying on you for money." Cas rested his head on his hand. "Its probably just a bug." He muttered.

"If you're not better by morning, then I'm taking you to the doctors." Dean stroked his head, rubbing the back of his neck with the wet cloth. Cas shivered at the others touch.

After a few more attempts, Cas laid down and tried to fall asleep. He was successful and Dean was hoping once Cas sleeps, he'd feel better. However, Dean was wrong.

Cas woke up around 7 in the evening. Dean was on the couch watching the evening news. Dean turned to look at Cas. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

Cas sat down next to him, curling up in the corner. "It hurts." He mumbled quietly.

"What hurts, baby?" Dean frowned as Cas held his head.

"Everything..." Cas mumbled again.

"I guess you don't want to eat then." Dean paused the TV, watching Cas' actions closely.

He shook his head. "No way." Cas groaned, sweeping his head up. He was dizzier than earlier. "Baby..."

Dean looked over at Cas. "You okay?"

"No," he doubled over quickly in the floor when he tried to stand. Dean quickly sprang up, grabbing Cas. "Baby?" He checked his head, it was burning up. "Baby!" Dean held him in his arms, Cas was out. Dean held Cas' head up and cradled him in his arms. "Hey, Cas..." He felt scared, what was wrong with him? "Cas?" Dean rubbed his face, Cas' blue eyes showing and rolling into the back of his head. "Hey, hey," Dean set him up. "You're okay, okay?" Cas made a soft grunt, his fever was burning him up. That's what it had to be. Dean picked up Cas with a heft and carried him into their room. "Baby, you'll be okay..." Dean tried to reassure him as his breathing picked up. He grabbed the rag, re-wet it and put it on Cas' head. Dean lay down beside him.

Cas had fallen into a rather deep sleep; Dean did too.

Around ten o'clock, Cas woke up and felt lost. He felt panicked and for some reason didn't recognize the man laying next to him. Cas tried to scoot away from him and fell into the floor, waking up Dean. Dean scurried to the edge.

"Cas? You okay?" Dean saw how terrified he looked. "What's wrong?"

Cas coughed hard in his hand, nearly throwing up right there. "Fuck!" He cried, scooting away from the bed. Dean jumped to his aid. Cas scurried away from him, screaming and choking on his screams.

"Cas?" Dean was confused, just about as confused as Cas seemed to be. "What's wrong?"

"Who-who the hell are you?" Cas trembled against the wall as Dean stopped in his tracks.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What...?" Dean blinked, trying to figure out if he heard him correctly.

"What the fuck are you doing in my room?" Cas searched himself for something for protection. He found nothing and began screaming for someone... His older brother, Gabriel.

Dean quickly bent down next to Cas. "Baby! What the hell?" Dean grabbed Cas' hand. "You're okay, baby, you're okay." Dean tried to reassure him. Cas only screamed at Dean to leave him alone, that he didn't know him. This made Dean nervous and made him feel worse. He didn't remember if Cas took anything earlier that morning. He wouldn't think so since he had classes... He wouldn't go to class on pills or an LSD.

Cas was fighting to get away from Dean. "Get the fuck away!" Cas screamed.

"Sweetheart, please, its me! Dean, please calm down!" Dean grabbed Cas' wrists, pulling him into his lap. "Gabriel isn't here, its just us, baby please." Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, holding him close. "You're tripping, baby... Please calm down...." Dean rubbed his face, Cas had begun sobbing and held onto Dean's shirt. Dean cradled Cas, rocking him back and forth in his arms.

 


	16. Don't Believe in Fiction

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Dean sat in the waiting room chairs, his head in his hands. He felt like the world was collapsing and he was right in its pathway. A bomb was dropped on him and he didn't know where to run.

Charlie watched Dean, he was quiet and she was quiet, too. She didn't know what else to say. "Dean, I... I wish I could say—"

"Nah, you've said enough.... Believe me." Dean interrupted her, rubbing his eyes. He wished she hadn't said anything to him.

She dropped her head, she folded the paperwork in her hands, handing it to Dean. "I'm so sorry... If anything, I wish I could change things."

"Yeah, me too." Dean crumpled the piece of paper in his hands. "I wish I never happened to him. I was the worse thing that ever happened to him." Dean closed his eyes.

Charlie didn't look up at Dean. She sucked in a deep breath before walking away. Dean looked up, seeing she left and sighed. He unfolded the paper, the words were still there. The words still saying what Charlie had explained to him. Charlie explained it, beating around at the beginning. But then she told him, devastating him even more.

Dean folded the paper back up and slipped it into his pocket. Hopefully Cas was calmed down enough to where Dean could go see him. Even if he wasn't, Dean would go in anyway. He stood up from the chair and walked towards Cas' room. It was still guarded by nurses. Dean sighed approaching them.

"May I help you?" The shorter, male nurse said with a rather cocky attitude.

"Yeah," Dean cocked back. "You can help me by getting out of my way."

The nurse shook his head, chuckling slightly. "Yeah, no ones allowed in, he's not allowed out."

 _Don't punch him, don't get kicked out._ "How about you step off and let me see my boyfriend?" Dean smiled, crossing his arms. He didn't want to deal with this shit right now. "We'll both be really happy then."

The nurse shook his head, smiling just as sarcastically as Dean. "How about—"

"Michael," Dean heard Tessa's voice. "Let him through." He saw Tessa behind the nurse.

Michael rolled his eyes, looking back at Tessa. "We aren't supposed to let visitors in, Tessa."

"I don't care, he needs to see him." Tessa moved Michael to the side, letting in Dean. He brushed past Michael and saw that Cas was watching everything happening. Dean smiled at Cas and walked over to his bed.

Dean bent down beside of him and kissed his forehead. "Hey, Cas."

Cas looked up at him with his swollen crystal blue eyes. He had been crying and it was obvious from how red they were. "Dean, they keep telling me I over dosed and that I'm in a hospital, I don't understand, why are they saying this?"

Dean couldn't take the way he looked at him. "Cas," Dean breathed slowly. What was he supposed to say? "Its okay." He sat down in the chair, Cas' eyes still on him. He looked terrified and Dean couldn't take that.

"Dean?" Cas leaned towards him, grabbing for his face. Dean's normal gaze seemed dead, this didn't comfort Cas in the least bit.

Dean felt the paper in his pocket crinkle more and his heart stab as he looked at the confused other. "I'm sorry, Cas." He muttered, grabbing his thin hand gently. Dean inspected Cas' hand, it was way too thin. "You should eat something."

"Why are you apologizing? And I'm not hungry." Cas frowned at Dean trying to lean farther out of the bed. Dean pushing him back as he stood up.

"Don't use up your strength." Dean thought he looked weak and frail too. As if he would break like old porcelain if he touched him. He didn't realize he was being overbearing for Cas at the moment.

"Dean, talk to me!" Cas pleaded, his lip trembling. "You're acting weird and I'm scared. Please say something!" Cas' eyes teared back up as he grabbed Dean's shirt.

Dean ignored his cry and closed his eyes. He intertwined their fingers, turning back towards Cas. "I'm gonna go smoke, I'll be back." He muttered kissing Cas' forehead. Cas shook his head, grabbing Dean.

"Please don't leave me here, Dean!" Cas buried his head in the crook of Dean's neck. "Please, don't go. You didn't come back the last time and now I'm here. Don't leave me here." He begged.

Dean let out a soft sigh before pushing Cas down to his bed. "You don't get it, do you?" Something changed in him quickly as he snapped away from Cas. He felt angry. "You fucking think you can keep this shit from me?! Who did you fuck?!"

Cas cringed when he yelled at him, "what are you talking about?!" Cas yelled back, tears running down his cheeks. Cas felt even more confused than before, this wasn't like Dean at all.

Dean slipped the paper out of his pocket, throwing it at Cas. "Who did you FUCK?" Dean yelled again causing Cas to curl up.

Cas ignored the paper Dean threw at him. He covered his head and shook his head. "Don't yell at me! Don't yell at me!"

Dean yanked the piece of paper back up and opened it in front of Cas. "Who did you fuck?!" He screamed again. All of the screaming alerted the nurses and a few came rushing in to restrain Dean, afraid he'd hurt Cas. They pulled at Dean, he was fighting them and yelling louder. Cas had begun to shake from the commotion. He was scared and confused. Nothing was making any sense.


	17. Amsterdam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't been posting chapters, I haven't really been writing. But if anyone cares, I'll post the rest of the chapters that I have on queue.

_I'm sorry, lover you're sorry; I bring you down Well, these days I try and these days I tend to lie Kinda thought I was a mystery and then I thought I wasn't meant to be You said yourself fantastically, "Congratulations you were all alone"_

_\--Amsterdam, Imagine Dragons (2013)_

Dean wasn't allowed back into the room after the incident. He needed to come down from this high. It wasn't much, but oxys weren't exactly the ideal high Dean was looking for. He fumbled around in his pocket for the pills he saved for later. He watched the halls for a moment before taking out a big bright pink pill. An Ecstasy tab. He twirled it in his fingers and sighed. Dean didn't need this, not on top his mistake already made.

Dean shoved the tab back into his pocket, letting out a soft sigh. What the hell even was that stupid stunt that he pulled? Dean stood up from the chair, Tessa coming towards him. "How is he?"

"You mind explaining what that was? He counted on you for comfort." She put her hand on her hip, pursing her lips together.

He didn't need to hear that. Dean sighed and shook his head, "I don't know what even happened." Dean closed his eyes before looking back at her. "Is he okay?" He asked again.

"He's asleep after having a panic attack, so he's okay now." She was rude about it, and had every right to be.

"Can I go sit with him?" He muttered knowing the answer would probably be 'no',

"Have you calmed down?" She crossed her arms then.

"Yeah, I think so." Dean thought about it for a moment, maybe he should let him sleep.

"If you think so, take a walk until you know so." She muttered spinning at her heels to leave.

Dean sighed, it was about time for a smoke break anyway. Dean left the hospital in his Impala, missing the traffic by taking a back road to the apartment complex. Once he got their, he smoked a cigarette then went into the apartment. Dean plugged his phone up so it'd charge while he was there.

The apartment was still a wreck. Dean sighed and began cleaning the apartment. He started with their room.


	18. California Baby!

"You look nice." Dean smirked at Cas, who was wearing a black suit.

Cas frowned in the mirror glancing at Dean, buttoning the last buttons on the shirt. "I told you today is the graduation party." He sighed turning around. "I even asked you to accompany me."

Dean looked uncomfortable now. "You..you did?" He stuttered watching Cas frown even more.

"Yeah, I asked you three days ago." Cas crossed his arms, shrugging his shoulders. "If you didn't want to go, you could have said, 'well, baby I don't think I'll go.' Or something instead of telling me you would go and then act innocent." Cas huffed turning back towards the mirror.

"No, that's not it, I really did forget. I'll go, but that's not what you wear to a party." Dean smirked.

"Dean, its a formal party."

"Oh." Dean bit his tongue. He'd actually have to wear a suit for this. "Wait, what about us? Why are you inviting me to this? Its for you."

"Its for me, family and friends. Since you're both, technically, I want you to go." Cas slid his hands through his hair to ruffle it up a bit.

"What do we say?" Dean stood up from the chair going over to the closet to maybe find a suit of his own.

"We're brothers? I don't know." Cas sighed.

"What about the dances? Are we still going to dance?" Dean continued to question.

"You don't want to go, do you?" Cas turned to look at him.

Dean shook his head, "no, baby, I do. I just want to dance with you and not get you hurt." He sighed thinking about their first dance in high school. They both got ridiculed, Cas especially since Dean was a star player at the school.

"Baby, their somewhat more mature than high schoolers. Honestly I don't think we'll be the only couple like this there. The school is big."

Dean didn't think so. Ever since high school, Dean has been afraid to hurt Cas or that someone is going to hurt him. "We'll see I guess."

Cas smiled at his toes and nodded. "Thanks, Dean." Cas looked back up at Dean.

"Maybe we can smoke some before we go?" Dean smirked back at Cas. "Do you even want to go?"

Cas rolled his eyes. "Yes, and I want you to be there with me!" He walked to Dean, grabbing his hand and kissing his lips. "I love you and I need you there for me." Cas grinned.

Dean grinned as well kissing him back. "Yeah, I love you too, babe. I guess I don't have much of a choice then."

"Get ready then." Cas smiled. He turned to leave the room so Dean could get ready without any distraction.

Dean smiled as he watched Cas leave. He then frowned. Dean had only been to three formal parties in his life. Three times he had to wear a suit, and this would make four. He wasn't too excited about wearing something so... Not him. Even to his own high school graduation he wore blue jeans. Cas convinced him to wear at least a black button up shirt. Dean swears even at their wedding, if they had one, he would wear his ripped blue jeans and his favorite Led Zeppelin shirt.

Dean found his white button up shirt somewhere in the closet, he was lucky it wasn't wrinkled and black pants somewhere in their drawers. He found a black blazer; it had to be Cas', he was all about wearing blazers like that to school. Dean put the clothes on and stepped outside of the room. "So? I look ridiculous right?" Dean frowned, showing off the outfit he threw together.

"You did good. I guess, isn't there another suit in there?" Cas searched his clothed body for any miss-matching items. There was none and Cas felt slightly relieved.

"I'm not wearing a monkey suit, Cas." He shoved his hands into the pocket finding loose change meaning that the pants hadn't been washed.

"Well at least wear a vest and a tie or bowtie." Cas stood up. "You still remember how to tie both of those, right?"

"Yes, Cas, I'm the one who had to tie Sammy's ties." Dean sighed, "Do I have to wear a vest?"

Cas checked the clock and sighed, shaking his head. "No, grab a black tie and come on. We're gonna be late."

"Okay," Dean walked back into their room grabbing an already tied tie and slipped it over his head.

After that, they left the apartment and arrived at the school's events center just in time. The dinner, party thing, started at 7, they arrived at 6:46. Dean and Cas got out of Dean's '67 Chevy Impala. The college kids eying the couple and the car as they got out.

"I think they like the car." Cas joked.

"Yeah and if any of them lay a hand on it, that hand is coming off." Dean said loudly watching the kids. Cas laughed softly as he slipped his hand into Dean's. Dean blushed and looked at Cas. "Are you sure?"

"Dean I'm tired of hiding us. I wanna be proud of us, like, 'Hey everybody! I have Dean Winchester and I love him!'" Cas yelled causing Dean to turn even more red and laugh.

"Jeez you're embarrassing." He smiled, gripping Cas' hand back tightly.

"That's what I'm here for." Cas grinned, swinging their hands a little bit. They walked into the center, greeted by a woman in which Cas knew. "That's the head of our class, she's kind of like the class president or something. I don't really know." Cas smiled, waving at a short and stocky brunette. "Oh, here I want you to meet her!" Cas ran over to her, Dean following him.

"Hey, Clarence. I didn't expect you you actually show up. And with someone at that." The girl smiled and Dean wondered why she called him Clarence.

"Hey, Meg." Cas chuckled, "this is Dean." He introduced Dean with the wave of his arm. "He's the one I told you about." Cas' face then heated.

"Oh, so you're his night-in-shining armor?" Meg grinned, raising an eyebrow as she spoke with a slow manner.

"I, uh, guess that's what I am." Dean hardly wanted to talk to her anymore. Something about her pissed him off. He didn't know if she was just cocky or what.

"Or would you prefer to be called a unicorn? Some people actually like that." She grinned again.

Dean rolled his eyes, "listen Sister, just call me Dean because that's my name."

"Whoa, okay, Fido." She held her hands up. "Oops, I mean, Dean." She chuckled.

"Yeah, whatever." Dean muttered, releasing Cas' hand. "I'm going to go get something to drink, what do you want?" Dean looked to Cas.

"Oh, I want a low-fat caramel mochiatto." Meg chimed in.

Dean glared at her. "I don't think they have that, Princess."

Cas cleared his throat to get Dean's attention. "Whatever, get me what you get." Cas said brushing his hand against Dean's arm.

Dean nodded and with that he turned to leave. He heard Meg say: "He's a charmer, Cas." Dean rolled his eyes and tried to spot the snack table through the people, but it was nearly impossible.

Once he did find it, he grabbed a plate full of cookies, and other delicate sweets and two sodas of course. However, in the midst of the crowd, he heard someone call his name and it wasn't Cas.

"Dean! Dean Winchester? Is that really you?!" The voice grew closer. Dean turned to look who it was. Cassie Robinson? She was someone Dean dated from sixth grade until freshman year... When he cheated on her with Lisa. She was the one who he gave his all to until that moment.

Dean smiled as she approached, "Well, well, look who the cat dragged in." Dean couldn't help himself but hug her.

"I can't believe you of all people are here! I didn't know you went here." She smiled greatly up at Dean, her chocolate skin giving Dean memories of the first time they touched.

Dean was lost in her smile, so he hesitated on speaking. "Uh, yeah, no. I don't go here," he smiled, clearing his throat. "My, uh, room mate goes here and he's graduating, not me." Dean smiled awkwardly.

Cassie gave a small chuckle as she covered her wide smile. "Oh, who is he? I might know him."

"Castiel Novak." He blushed slightly as he mentioned Cas' name to his ex-lover. "Do you know him?"

Cassie nodded. "I had a few classes with him. He's really sweet."

"Yeah," Dean cleared his throat again finding it more awkward the more he reminiscences. "So, uh, how've you been? Its been literally years." He smiled, rubbing the side of his arm.

"Oh yeah, but believe it or not nothing's really changed. I go to school, and I go to work."

"I just go to work." Dean joked.

"Ah, lucky you." She chuckled, "school sucks. Thank God its almost over for me." She laughed.

"You getting just your CNAs?" Dean asked, Cas had gone just to get his CNAs and he was thinking about trying for a doctorate. Dean urged him to wait until they had enough money to send him back to school.

Cassie nodded. "Yeah, I don't have enough money right now. And in seven months," she rubbed her stomach. "I'll get a little bundle." She grinned.

Dean hadn't even noticed the slightly swollen stomach she had. "Oh congratulations!" Dean grinned, feeling slightly jealous. A child was something he and Cas could never really achieve. Of course they could try to adopt, but the state of Kansas would make it nearly impossible for them to adopt, and couldn't they be legally marry either. Cas' dreams were to move to California, but they were bound to Kansas due to lack of money and Cas' schooling.

"Thank you." She smiled. Hearing someone call her name, she turned towards them. "Oh, I've gotta go. I'll talk to you later, Dean!" She grinned waving goodbye.

"See ya." Dean gave a weak smile, waving back to her. Dean sighed smiling slightly to himself going back to pour a drink for he and Cas. Dean tried to spot Cas after that and couldn't really. He sighed and began walking back towards the way he came, seeing that Cas was smiling and laughing with the girl named Meg.

As he approached the duo he faked a smile and handed Cas the drink. “Got us a coke and have some cookies. They even have pie.” Dean grinned, watching Cas gleam up at him and take the drink and plate.

“Of course you found the deserts table.” Cas took a sip of the cola, setting them both on a table a few steps away. Cas picked up a cooking, biting off the end.

“You know me.” Dean chuckled. “When is this thing supposed to get started?” Dean looked around at the people bustling around.

“It started at seven, awards and shit happen at eight.” Cas bit off more of the cookie and began to sway his hips to the beat of the song that was muffled by the chatter of people talking. “Dean, dance with me.”

Dean rolled his eyes at the other and set his drink on the table. “You don't even _like_ this song.”

“So what? That doesn't mean I _can't_ have fun with you.” Cas smiled. In the moment, the song changed and faded into another song. It was more of a violin sound with cello, Cas wasn't too sure. It had no vocals either way and it was upbeat. He smiled at Dean as he put his hands around Cas' hips, and Cas braced his arms around Dean's neck. Neither of them noticed the moment that Meg had walked away; they were both caught up with each other and the tempo of the music.

“You know your hips makes me crazy.” Dean whispered in his ear as they danced in their little corner.

Cas grinned, kissing Dean's cheek discretely as they swung together as one motion. “You're fucking crazy, you know that right?” Cas massaged Dean's shoulders as Dean pulled him closer.

“Doesn't take much to make me that.” He laughed quietly.

“Don't.” Cas rolled his eyes as the song finished, mixing into a slower song. Dean wrapping his arms around Cas' waist; Cas adjusted his arms around his neck and blushed.

Cas buried his nose into the crook of Dean's neck as they danced slowly for the remainder of the song. After that song they were asked by the lady, who was standing at the door, to sit in a chair. It was time to give out the awards of the night. Cas already knew he was going to win something, he just wanted to surprise Dean with it.

It took a few minutes for her to introduce herself, Hester. Dean thought it was an awkward name for a woman, but he didn't say anything to Cas about it. After she introduced herself and the reason why the party was put together. Dean had really stopped listening to her after she got her name out into the open. He was rather too interested in watching Cas' facial expressions change in the dimmed light. Cas seemed to laughing with the others as the woman on stage joked, he smiled to himself as the room suddenly got darker and quiet. The light from the projector danced on his face as peppy music filled the room making Dean turn his head back towards the screen. Pictures of people Dean recognized and didn't filled the screen. Then Cas' name and class picture came up. An automatic smile lifted the corners of Dean's lips. _Castiel Novak_ , Dean mouthed silently. He had forgotten how beautiful his name really was. He paid special attention to the achievements that Cas had been awarded over the years, and in that moment Dean felt proud of Cas. Kind of like a parent, _no,_ as if it were their wedding day. He was proud that Cas was his, and that Cas had won something so great. And Dean could reward him with greatness, and Cas was _his._ All _his._

After the presentation a different person presented Superlatives. Dean didn't pay attention to who got what and all he knew was that Cas got named "The Quiet, But Spoken one." Dean didn't understand the title, but he'd ask about it later. Next were actual awards that people worked harder than hell to achieve like their license to teach, a doctorate, or their CNAs. Cas thought he would surprise Dean by getting called up to receive the CNA Licenses, but Dean figured that's a main reason why he wanted him to come.

After the awards, they danced some more and then had a closing ceremony. After that, they went home.

Dean and Cas were the first ones to dart out of there, hand in hand much like their senior year in high school. At their graduation they held hands walking out of the gym. No matter how many people boo'd them, they didn't let that bother them. Cas was weary about doing it at first, but Dean insisted and finally Cas agreed at last second. This time wasn't even planned beforehand, they just grabbed each other and ran towards the door before anyone else could get there.  After they actually got to the car, they laughed about it. Dean glances over at Cas and shook his head. "You really didn't care if they knew do you?"   
Cas shook his head. "No, I told you already, I love you. And no one, not even here can make me not." Cas blushed slightly as he spoke.   
Dean grinned and turned his attention to the road. "You're so cheesy...." Dean whispered glancing back at Cas.   
"Oh shut it, You, and drive!" Cas shoved Dean's shoulder lightly.   
Dean laughed again at that and pulled out of the parking lot, his tires squealing. Cas glanced out the window as Dean turned off onto a side road. Cas recognized it immediately, it was an old field out past the old high school. Dean and him used to hang out there when they couldn't go home together.   
"Seriously? We aren't going home?" Cas shook his head and smiled.   
"Nope, we're taking a detour." Dean threw the car in park and glanced over at Cas. "You used to like this place."   
"Not really," Cas stated bluntly. "I liked the privacy."   
Dean shrugged his shoulders, "sorry this was the only place we stayed at. My pops would have killed me bringing you home almost every night. It was best if we stayed here every night."   
Cas nodded, "yeah I know. My father hated you. Shit he still does." Cas chuckled propping himself up with his elbow. He was still curious as to why Dean brought him out there. "So what's your reason for this? You always have some sort of plan."   
"Ah, you'll see." Dean shifted in the seat and opened the door, sliding out of the low car."   
"Hey? You're getting out?" Cas frowned watching Dean.   
Dean poked his head through the window and smiled. "You should too. It's pretty out here with no lights."   
"Your lights are on and it's cloudy." Cas furrowed his brows.   
Dean frowned. "Always stating the obvious."   
"That's what I'm here for." Cas smiled, "but no really, why are we here and why'd you get out?"   
"Just get out and I'll show you." Dean stood away from the car and waved for him to come there.   
Cas rolled his eyes and opened the door, stepping out of the car. Cas walked over to him, Dean grabbed his hands pulling Cas closer.   
"So what if I said that I got us a week trip to the beach?" Dean seemed ecstatic.   
Cas tilted his head, "the beach? For a week? That sounds really expensive." Cas frowned, how could Dean pay for a week trip to the beach? And what beach?   
"Baby, don't worry about it. I can afford I made sure we could." It was true, he put back all the money he could and rounded up extra money from selling. He also was saving up funds for a ring for Cas, he was planning on popping the question when they were in California.   
"How can we afford it?" Cas frowned.

Dean lost his smile and shook his head, “I sold things, and I set aside money from my jobs.” Dean squeezed Cas' hands gently, “don't worry about it too much, Babe.” Dean smiled again kissing Cas' cheek. “Guess what?”

Cas sighed softly and shook his head. “What?”

“The beach we're going to is Coronado Beach.” Dean grinned, swinging his hands a little. “You said you wanted to go to the beach, and I'm going to take you there.” Dean sighed softly, feeling nervous about telling Cas the next part to their trip.

“I did say that I wanted to go there. It'd be nice.” A smile found its way to Cas' face. “It's supposed to be really pretty, but won't it be crowded?” Cas frowned.

“People are friendlier in California than they are here.” Dean frowned.

“No one's nice, anywhere...” Cas shrugged his shoulders sighing quietly.

Dean nodded and shrugged, “at least we'd be recognized as a couple though.” Dean chuckled trying to lighten the mood before he said anything else.

Cas shrugged then took his hands away from Dean's. “Can we go home? It's cold.” Cas frowned.

“Yeah, hold on a second.” Dean muttered, grabbing Cas' hand again. “What would you do if I said I got a job in California?” Dean smiled briefly awaiting for Cas' reply.

Dean watched his expression change quickly, it was a lot to take in. Cas blinked a few times in shock really. “Seri—seriously?”

He nodded and smiled brightly, showing his teeth. “Yeah, it's a better paying job than I have now. I've already scouted for places to live, and that's also why we're going there for a week.” Dean paused, “to check out apartments for us.” Dean watched Cas as he smiled rather brightly.

“I can't believe... you're being serious right now!” Cas laughed shaking his head. “When are you planning this?”

Dean felt joyous that Cas was all for this plan. “The week after you graduate so that's out of the way.” He clenched Cas' hand tighter.

Cas nodded, looking down at his feet. "So that means we're moving to California?" Cas glanced back up at Dean. Suddenly he realized what this meant.  
"Yeah." Dean shifted on his feet, Cas was making him feel nervous now. He could understand if Cas didn't want to move, they had just got comfortable living together in their cramped apartment now.  
"You don't think it's too soon?" Cas frowned.  
He had said exactly what Dean was afraid of. Dean didn't know really how to respond to that. "Um, it'll be great for us, but if you don't want to leave this town after all, I guess we—"  
Cas interrupted him with his hand. "No, it's fine. I really would like to leave this small ass town for California." Cas sucked in a deep breath. "But we just got settled to our current place."  
"Yeah, baby, I know..." Dean bit his tongue rather harshly. "We can start over there. We can have a second chance there! It's perfect."  
"Until what? Until we get another pissed off drug dealer on our asses? So we can get ridiculed for being queer again? Dean—" Cas sighed softly trying to turn away from Dean.  
Dean held on to Cas' hand. "No, no, no, Babe. We can get away from that there, we can start fresh and kick the addiction in the ass!" Dean met eye to eye with Cas. Cas' blue eyes were tired and his hand were shaking. Neither of them had a cigarette in a while.  
"Dean that's what you said about moving in together the first time. I'm tired of your empty promises." Cas cleared his throat turning away. "Let's go home."  
Dean watched Cas Leave to the car and sighed softly before walking to the drivers seat, well that was a bust. Maybe he could get Cas to come around. He wasn't going to force Cas into anything, though.

Dean slid into the impala and started its engine with a roar. He waited until Cas buckled up before he spun the tires as he sped out of the lot. Cas kept quiet as they rode home. He figured Dean was upset, he didn't want to make that worse. The silence felt pretty bad already, Dean was feeling that too.  
Within the time they hit the main road, Dean turned on his cassettes. He couldn't take the quiet. However, it only made the car ride more difficult. Dean sighed and they made it back quicker than Dean expected.

 


	19. You're Bluffing!

Cas came into the apartment, something he was still getting used to. They lived in Berkeley, California now, in a small one bedroom apartment. He slung a bag down onto the floor, the previous night he and Dean had a fight.  
"Dean? Are you here?" Cas called out not really expecting an answer. Cas didn't get a reply and sighed walking through the living room. Maybe in some sort of answer, Dean would have left something to tell where he was at. It was a Saturday, so Dean didn't have to go to work. Cas sighed softly seeing, nor hearing a response from Dean. His heart ached for the lack of Dean's words of comfort.

After Cas' shower, he heard the sound of the TV playing in the living room. He was sure he didn't turn it on. Cas walked into the living room, in his boxers and his favorite AC/DC shirt that was Dean's. Dean was sitting on the couch, watching the news.

Dean turned to look at him. “Hey,” Dean glanced over at Cas.

“I called you.” Cas whispered shaking his head, feeling rather upset at Dean. “I called you six times last night, and you didn't answer.”

“You didn't want me to.” Dean frowned. He sighed, “are you really going to start right now?”

“I was in fucking trouble, Dean.” Cas huffed. “I was about to get my ass kicked because I didn't have enough money for your fucking weed.”

Dean furrowed his brows. “Why the fuck were you going to buy me weed? I have some.”

“I was doing that because maybe you'd fucking love me again.” Cas scoffed. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He just said that he was about to die for himand _that was his answer?_ “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Cas placed his hand on his hips.

Dean shrugged his shoulders. “What do you want me to say?”

“Maybe that you're sorry.” Cas snorted spinning at his heels to dart back into their room. “Fuck you, Dean.” He said loudly.

Dean got up from the couch and followed behind him. “I'm sorry? I'm fucking sorry that _I_ pissed you off so badly you left. _I'm sorry_ you thought you couldn't buy me weed when you were too fucking broke because you don't have a _fucking job._ And I'm sorry that you thought you could think you could buy love with drugs.” Dean was sarcastic and scornful about this, it made Cas cringe with anger.

“You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you.” Cas turned around, finding Dean closer than he expected. Cas violently shoved Dean back. “Fuck you and your goddamn words, your fucking eyes, and your fucking freckles. I'm so done with you, goddammit.” Cas spat as Dean grabbed Cas' hand as he was shoved back.

“You fucked me and you liked it, don't be such an ignorant asshole right now. I'm trying to talk to you.” Dean growled spitefully.

Cas gave a fake laugh as Dean said that. “Shut the fuck up, you're not talking! Let go of me.” He demanded, yanking his arm away.

Dean let go of him and shook his head. “I beg to fucking differ, I'm saying words? That's talking.” That's when it hit Cas. Dean _reeked_ of alcohol. He had been drinking.

Cas got his hand loose from Dean and walked over to the bathroom door. “You're fucking drunk!”

Dean shook his head. “And you're high.” Dean had noticed where Cas had bruises on his forearms. “We agreed none of that shit.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “I'm not fucking high, and I don't know what you're talking about.” Cas turned his arms so they weren't as prominent.

“Bullshit.” Dean rushed over to Cas, grabbing both of his arms turning them harshly so they'd show the brown-ish and purple bruises. “Heroin, Cas. That's fucking Heroin.”

Cas pulled away violently again. “It's not. You don't know what you're talking about.” He was obviously lying, Cas had shot up earlier that day and didn't want Dean to realize it. “You're fucking delusional.” He backed into the bathroom.

“I'm not!” Dean yelled.Dean sucked in a rough breath. "Cas," he walked into the bathroom after Cas. "You just fucking promised you wouldn't do that."  
"You promised you wouldn't fucking drink." Cas cocked back, crossing his arms.  
"I didn't make a fucking promise like that." Dean was right, he hadn't promised to stop doing anything. Especially not to stop drinking. "You made the promise to me on Wednesday to stop shooting up."  
Cas turned and watched him shaking his head. He sighed and tried to brush past Dean. "Please, Dean-" he was grabbed onto by him. "Dean-" he glanced up at him. Deans eyes were glassy, he had drank way too much. "I'm sorry, okay? It's hard just to stop- I need it-" Cas paused watching Deans expression change. "I need it like you need cigarettes."  
"You can do without Heroin, Cas." Dean mumbled. "How about I make you dinner?"

"I'm not hungry. Let's just go to bed." Cas pressed his head against Deans chest letting out a soft sigh.

Dean nodded and held Cas for a moment. He'd have to watch him closely for his come down, but he didn't know how long it'd take him or how long he'd be able to stay awake.

Dean broke his grasp on Cas and they went into the living room, the tv was still on and the news was over. Dean picked up the remote and switched to a music channel. "Hey, Cas. Dance with me."  
The music was an older Red Hot Chill Peppers song, Dean knew it and Cas loved it. It was just good luck that Dean turned the channel as the song was playing. Cas smiled slightly as he heard the song.  
"Yeah, okay." Cas went over to Dean from the couch and stood in front of him. "How do you dance to this song?" Cas asked.  
"I don't know," Dean snaked his arms around Cas's waist. "Just sway."  
"That's all there is to do." Cas wrapped his arms around Deans neck. "Damn the songs over." He frowned.  
Dean shrugged gently kissing his cheek. "You'll be fine." Dean grinned as The Beatles song Twist and Shout came on. "No way!" He jeered. "I hadn't heard this song in a while." Dean grinned as he picked up the pace of dancing with Cas. "Come'on baby!" He sung along with he song.  
Cas danced quickly with him and laughed at him. Dean secretly liked The Beatles, he never told anyone that, it was just Cas who knew really. Dean thinks it was because of his mother, Mary Winchester used to sing The Beatles songs to her two sons. Dean and Sam.  
"Shake it up baby!" Dean laughed and cheered along to the song. The song then ended and Dean smiled as he took his hands away from Cas' hips. Cas frowned slightly as they stopped touching. He gently pecked Deans lips quicks and sighed.  
"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas apologized interlocking his fingers with Deans. "I didn't mean to explode earlier."  
"And yesterday?" Dean added.  
Cas nodded. "Yeah, all we've been doing lately is fighting and I'm tired of it."  
Dean frowned, he couldn't help but feel guilty at his words. It was his fault he moved them so fast. They hadn't even been to the beach like he had promised Cas. "I'll make it up to you next weekend okay?"

Cas tilted his head slightly, he was puzzled by his words. Cas had forgotten the trip Dean originally planned. It had been nearly a month ago that Dean told him that they were going to California; six months since they actually moved to California. "What are you talking about?"

"Let's go to the coast." Dean grinned rubbing his thumb against Cas' Palm. "I've got enough money saved up, we can rent a nice hotel and stay the weekend."  
Cas smiled softly and nodded. "Sounds perfect."  
"You've never been have you?" Dean swallowed the lump in his throat. He honestly never been to the beach, much less taken Cas to one.  
Cas shook his head. "My father refused, he said it was a waste of money. Anna wanted to take me and Gabe one time, but father wouldn't let us or give us the funds." Cas frowned thinking about his childhood.  
Dean noted his frown and nodded. "Well, we have the funds and your fucking father doesn't have a say whether or not we go." Dean grinned making Cas smile as well.  
Dust in the Wind by Kansas began playing at that moment. "Cas," Dean smirked. "Looks like this song is now irreverent."  
Cas narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "What are you talking about?"  
Dean pursed his lips together and laughed to himself. "'We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto'."

Cas rolled his eyes, "you make the lamest jokes."  
"My jokes are funny!" Dean pouted.  
"You wish." Cas laughed gently kissing his cheek. "I'm going to go lie down." Cas yawned.  
"Yeah, I'm tied too." Dean mimicked his yawn.  
Once they lie down together, Cas quickly fell asleep and Dean passed out about an hour later from making sure Cas was safe.

 


	20. Everything is on Fire

When Cas woke up, he found that he was alone again and the door was closed. The room was dim, and rain pounded against the hospital window. He sighed and blinked a few times in hopes it'd change and someone would be sitting in the chair and that he wasn't actually at the hospital. The scene didn't change and he threw himself against the hard gurney closing his eyes as they teared up. _This can't be happening.... Why is his happening?_ He turned his head towards the window. Did it even stop raining since that night?  
Cas reached for the TV remote and tuned it on. Not that he cared what was happening to the world, he mainly wanted to know the time. It was already six thirty? Where was everyone? He coughed into his hand out of random, the cough scaring him. He gagged on the cough and tried to get out of the bed in the fear of vomiting on himself. Instead of calmly getting out of the bed, Cas sprung to his feet unstable and ended up falling and getting the IV ripped from his hand. He coughed a harder and tears welted in his eyes. Cas tried to scream for the nurse but found he couldn't say anything or even move really.  
He coughed hard into the floor, something felt like it had come up, but Cas couldn't even tell he was shaking so badly. "Nurse-" he screamed hoarsely. "Tessa!" He cried out louder. Cas closed his eyes, he felt so weak and didn't understand at this moment. He just felt as if he were dying. "Dean-" he cried hoping someone would hear his muffled sobs. Cas ended up throwing up in the floor again not being able to really control anything.  
He felt his heart beat faster as he panted and everything was spinning. Cas closed his eyes, finding the heart monitor on his finger and chest ripping it off one by one in hopes that someone would notice something. The monitor beeped and within a minute staff rushed into his room. _Fucking finally,_ he thought as a few of the nurses picked him up, sliding him back into the bed.  
"Castiel!" The red headed nurse said with a frown that Cas could see through his vision going black to normal. Even though Cas wanted the nurses attention, he fought them. "Castiel!" She checked his pulse on his neck. It was remarkable how he had the strength to keep fighting the staff so much; it seriously surprised Charlie.  
Finally Cas lost his ability to fight the nurses and relaxed in the bed. Cas hadn't noticed they had to sedate him afterwords. Charlie had hooked him back up to machines, Cas looked up to her with his tired eyes. "It's about time someone came in here." Cas' eyes rolled back into his head.  
"I'm sorry," Charlie frowned checking his blood pressure again. It was so low the first time it read out, she didn't want to believe it. The second time it read the same thing. "Cas, your blood pressures low. Why did you decide to get out of bed and take every thing loose? That isn't going to help you." Charlie rubbed the others matted black hair.  
Cas shook his head. "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be in here alone." Cas managed to speak, he tried to open his eyes but wasn't able to. "I'm so tired of waking up alone and he isn't here."  
Charlie fell quiet as she fiddled with the needle paper in her hands. She knew that whenever he got better physically, he'd be transferred to a different hospital. She didn't really want him to leave, at least until he got okay. Charlie nodded at his statement and sighed. "He's going to be back, Cas."  
She was quiet for too long and Cas shook his head once she actually spoke. "You don't know him like I do." Cas choked on his words. "He's probably out and getting drunk, or high, or fucking someone. He doesn't give a shit about me."  
"Cas, don't say that." Charlie frowned not know what else to say.  
Cas shook his head opening his eyes. "Don't act like you know him and that everything's going to be perfect. I fucking wish everyone would stop pretending that everything is fine." Tears welled in his eyes again.  
Charlie had nothing else to say. She was a nurse practitioner, not a therapist. "You're right." She uttered and threw away the papers. "I'll check on you in 30 minutes. Don't fight sleep this time." She swallowed hard and left the room not waiting for a response.  
Cas wanted to make a face at her, flip her off or some thing; but he was reluctant to even keep his eyes open. "It's not like I haven't been sleeping all fucking day." He closed his eyes and sighed. He begin to think about Dean then. Maybe he was hallucinating, but he could hear Deans voice. It sounded like he was yelling at him. Cas opened his eyes expecting Dean to be right there, yelling and screaming at him. But instead he was still alone, Deans voice still playing. He heard 'cardiac arrest' and other profanities mixed into the sentence, however Cas couldn't take it much longer and gave into the sedatives.

* * *

 

Cas had indeed heard Deans voice, and Dean had every right to be angry with the nurses on duty. They weren't allowed to give Cas any thing else. Especially another sedative.  
"Are you fucking kidding me?" He raged at the male nurse, Michael, who admitted to giving Cas the sedative. "You put him to sleep again? He could slip into another fucking coma. Or fucking worse. He could go into cardiac arrest." Dean bubbled from the anger and from the drugs he had taken previous to coming back from his home.  
"I can assure you that what I did was for cause and we are monitoring him." Michael snapped and argued.  
"You're a fucking idiot." Dean snarled about to jerk up the nurse from behind the desk and punch the hell out of him. "You're such a fucking idiot. How did you get your license?" Dean cocked as he cleared his throat. "If anything happens to him, it's on you. It's on fucking you."  
Michael snarled his nose at Dean. "We're keeping a sharp eye on him. Nothing's going to happen to him."  
"The rule is, you don't give anything else to a fucking overdose patient." Dean scoffed. "You fucked up the first time by giving the poor bastard a sedative when he was tying to come down from an obvious high. How he hell did you not catch that?"  
"I didn't prescribe the sedatives, I was following protocol. He's not my patient either so I didn't know not to."  
"Oh that's such bullshit." Dean pushed himself away from the desk to keep from dragging out the asshole from behind it. “You have little papers back there with the patients names and why they're here for. Don't you dare try to tell me that you _didn't know._ Because I know better than that.” Dean breathed sharply as he eyed the male nurse.

The male nurse rolled his eyes and looked down at a few papers. He didn't want to prove Dean right, so he just began to ignore Dean. It only pissed Dean off; but, Dean just left the desk and went into Cas' room. Cas was asleep, he looked at peace actually. They had put an oxygen mask on him instead of the tubes [find word], Dean didn't like that look on him. It wasn't fair.  
Dean sighed and sat down in the chair next to his bed. He felt his phone vibrate, forgetting he didn't tell Balthazar and was afraid that was him calling to ask about Cas. Dean slid his phone from his pocket. It was a number he didn't recognize. Dean answered the call.  
"Hello?" He furrowed his brows together waiting for a response.  
"Dean?" A women's voice came over the line.  
Deans air hitched in his throat. It was Lisa. "Hey- uh, Lisa-" Dean stuttered.  
"I tried calling earlier! But your phone was off. Is everything okay?" Her voice was cheerful, it really didn't suite the scene in the hospital.  
Dean hesitated, he didn't want to tell her straight up that everything was not okay. But he didn't want to lie again. "Uh, yeah." He gritted his teeth. "Yeah, my phone died earlier today and I just got it charged."  
"Ah, so, we still on for tonight?" Dean felt his heart drop. Jesus, how did he forget that he made plans with her?  
"You-you know, something came up." He cleared his throat. He didn't want to turn her down, but he needed to stay with Cas. "Something big came up and, and I need to stay." He stopped his sentence awkwardly, but his voice was so shaky he sounded like he were to begin bawling.  
"Oh no, what happened?" Lisa's voice sounded disappointed.  
He hesitated. It's not time for lies anymore, "my, uh, my roommate is in the hospital." Dean knew if Cas heard him call him his roommate, Cas would be upset. But Dean didn't really think about that, as selfish as it sounds.  
"Oh no!" Her voice was high pitched, hurting Deans ears. "I'm sorry! What happened?"  
Dean sighed, "me." He closed his eyes. "I'm the cause of why he's in here."  
Lisa fell silent on the other end. She waited a moment to give Dean time for a further explanation. "What-what do you mean?"  
"I put him in the hospital when I went with you. I'm glad we didn't go any farther than we did." He sighed, "I have to go, Lisa."  
"What are you even talking about?" Lisa lost her cheerful, squeaky voice and sounded worried. But Dean didn't say much more to clear the air.  
"Sorry, Lisa. Goodbye." He hung up the phone. He glanced down at the shattered screen and the phone went black. Dean sighed and slipped it back into his pocket, looking back at Cas.  
"I'm sorry, baby." Dean muttered walking to his bedside. Cas was covered in sweat, his soft black hair greasy. Dean rarely saw Cas like that. He was avid about making himself clean. Dean gently touched his forehead and stroked his cheek. "You'll be okay..." He muttered, hoping he'd convince himself in the process of speaking. Dean took his hand off of Cas' face and turned his attention to the heart monitor that was rapidly speeding up. Dean swallowed a lump in his throat and felt his own heartbeat speed up.  
"Hey," Dean yelled then rushed to the door. "Hey! Somethings happening!" He yelled at the nurses station.  
The ginger nurse rushed into the room passed Dean. "Oh shit," she muttered and quickly began to prepare some sort of solution. A few other nurses sprinted behind her. Dean watched in rather shock. He was convulsing. Dean had only seen it happen a few times at numerous parties, it was scarier each time. This made Dean terrified, making his stomach churn. He had to leave the room or he was afraid he'd be the one throwing up.  
Dean sucked in a deep breath through his teeth, blowing it out violently and watched as Cas' blood pressure bottom out through the door. Dean closed his eyes and tried blocking out the screaming machine, but the frequency of the beeps made his head hurt. He wasn't even sure that it was beeps anymore. Dean stepped away from door and found his way to the waiting room. It was just a lapse. It was just a lapse, he would come out of it. Just like he always does. He sat down in he chair and cradled his head in his hands. Not a thought went by that it was the nurses fault for this. If he hadn't given Cas that second dose... Cas would be awake again, and he wouldn't have this problem.  
His attention was brought to the pale ginger, her face grim making Dean's pulse race. He didn't speak, she did. "He's stable." She muttered folding her hands together. "He's slipped back under. I don't know if he'll wake up any time soon. We're getting doctor Shurley to look at him when he can." She swallowed her words. "It was our own mistake. Michael has been here for two weeks now, he's going to get what's coming for him. Especially if it messes him up worse." She didn't make eye contact with Dean. He gathered that it was something she refused to give Dean.  
"That asshole should have known better..." Dean mumbled into his hand.  
"You can go sit with him if you'd like..." She sucked in a deep breath and nodded. "He should have known.. I agree." With that she turned and left Dean alone. It was becoming too often he was left alone.  
This whole situation was getting worse, it was growing too painful and hard to handle. Dean didn't know what else to do other than just sit and stare at the wall. That's what it felt like this was coming to. Dean searched his pocket for maybe some sort of stimulant but a he found was his pack cigarettes. It was time for a smoke break anyway.  
Dean left the building and smoked a cigarette on the way back to his Impala. He sat in the black car and smoke out the door. Dean pulled out his phone and went to his recent calls, Lisa's number was the first on the list. He hesitated before pressing it and started calling her. He bit his lower lip and pressed the phone to his ear.  
It rung four times before he heard the sweet female voice. "Hello?"  
He took a minute to respond. "Hey, Lis." Dean muttered.  
"You okay, Dean?" Her voice was filled with worry, not something Dean ever remembers hearing her sound like.  
"Yeah." He sighed, "can we meet up? For dinner?" He sounded shaky, really unaware whether this was the right thing to do or not. Cas wasn't going to wake up, Dean needed to get out... Right? He sighed and cleared his throat. "Meet me at the bar in twenty..." He muttered.  
Lisa was left confused, but she agreed to see him and they cut the call with little words after that.

 


End file.
